YOUR STARSHIP CAPTAIN JUST MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF.... 1. You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob" 2. He refers to Klingons as "Critters." 3. He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section 4. He keeps a six pack under his command chair & a gun rack above it 5. He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba" 6. He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs & turnip greens 7. He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special" 8. His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls 9. He paints the starship John Deere green. 10. He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger & aluminum foil. 11. He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen 12. He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies" The TOP TEN lines you'll never hear on Star Trek: The Next Generation 10) Worf: Klingons do *not* play tiddlywinks! 9) Picard: It's too bad we don't live in an enlightened, civilized era like they had in the twentieth century. 8) Geordi: Did you hear Wesley almost got kicked out of the academy again? They caught him smoking pot! Data: (looks puzzled) Pot? (brightens) Ah. Marijuana - a narcotic obtained from the hemp plant. Cannabis. Weed. Mary Jane. Grass. Reefer. Panama red... 7) Troi (to someone she is counseling): You've obviously mistaken me for someone who cares! Now get out! 6) Worf: Ouch! I got a paper cut! 5) a Starfleet admiral: Don't worry about it, Picard, there's plenty of other ships in your quadrant. 4) Riker: Not tonight - I have a headache. 3) Worf: Do we have to beam down right now? The Smurfs are on subspace T.V.! 2) Geordi: We've modified the warp coils by reversing the polarity of the inverse geometric phase integrator and adding a broad-band neutrino flux generator to the hyper-magnetic field controls. Riker: What will that do? Geordi: Not a damn thing, but it sure as hell *sounds* impressive! 1) Picard: Oh, screw the hailing frequencies. Fire all phasers! The TOP TEN Complaints of the Romulan Intelligence Agency 10) Federation keeps smuggling loads of "Coed Naked Parise's Squares" T-shirts to Romulan universities 9) Every other officer is a clone of Tasha Yar 8) "Romulan" is an anagram for "unmoral" 7) Shoulder pads on our new uniforms are so big we look like a Vulcanoid version of the Green Bay Packers 6) Commissary at Agency HQ serves watered-down Romulan ale 5) Ever since we blew up our own Vulcan invasion force, it's been impossible to get volunteers for the next one 4) name "Enterprise" sounds suspiciously like Romulan phrase "enn t'rp reis" meaning "your mother sucks eggs" 3) All of Sela's big plans work about as well as lead balloons 2) Stole the blueprints for the Federation's proposed Escher class starship, but can't make head nor tail out of them 1) $800 million credit cloaked surveillance satellite in Earth orbit was supposed to monitor Starfleet HQ, but only picks up MTV instead The Top Ten April Fool's Jokes on the Enterprise 10) Everybody act like Riker is the captain 9) Pretend you've been taken over by an alien being 8) Program the replicator in Troi's room so that it won't make chocolate 7) Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer 6) Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him 5) Put a small speaker in Dr. Crusher's bedroom to play garbled voices 4) Lock Picard in the children's schoolroom with several children and no adults 3) Substitute some of Dr. Crusher's moss with moss showing 24 hours more growth 2) Put a sign on Worf's back that says "K'ick Me!" 1) Yell into your communicator "Captain, the antimatter containment fields are collapsing" The Top Ten changes if Starfleet has sponsors 10) O'Brien would say "Thank you for using the Federation Express transporter. When you absolutely, positively have to get there instantly" 9) Starfleet uniforms would carry Pepsi logos and say "Pepsi, the choice of the Next Generation 8) Main bridge viewscreen would have "VH1" in the corner 7) Holodeck doors would say Sony Trinitron System 6) Communicator pins would be in the shape of an alligator 5) Mercedes symbol painted on the saucer section 4) Turbolifts would have "OTIS ELEVATOR" signs 3) Ten-Forward would have a large neon "Miller Litespeed" sign 2) After communicator beeps, a voice says, "Thank you for using AT&T" 1) Enterprise name changed to American Express Enterprise Top Ten Bumperstickers for the U.S.S Enterprise 10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!" 9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it" 8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!" 7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!" 6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!" 5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical." 4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?" 3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?" 2. "We brake for cubes!" 1. "Wesley On Board!"