Dear Dejah

Advice from the Princess of Helium

Dear Dejah

Dear Dejah:
My mother and father had a forbidden love. She was tortured to death because of it. He does not even know I was ever born. He's now a very powerful chieftan among my people. All the other Tharks would probably make fun of him if they ever found out. They wouldn't let him play in the Thark Games. What should I do?
A very blue green woman

Dear Blue-Green:
Tell your father who you are and then plant a fat, sloppy kiss on his cheek. Personally, I think that harsh exterior green men are known for is all a front for a cuddly soul. You go, girl!

Dear Dejah:
I've been telling the woman I love that it doesn't matter if her brain has been transplanted into the hideous body of an evil jeddara. But the truth is, it does matter. Tur! She is BUTT-UGLY now. I gag every time I look at her.
The other Jasoomian

Dear Jasoomian:
Men are scum.

Dear Dejah:
How did this Barsoomian taboo against marrying a woman whose fiance you have killed ever come about? I hate it.
A Jealous Swordsman

Dear Jealous:
I think it's just a plot device.

Dear Dejah:
Do Jasoomian men, uhmm, you know. Have bigger swords?

Dear Curious:
Yes. And they really know how to sak.

Dear Dejah:
Emma and I have been wondering when you and Uncle Jack will be coming for another visit. The guest bedroom is all made up. But, Aunt Dejah, please try to observe Earth customs in regards to proper attire in broad daylight this time.

Dear Edgar:
I was treated most rudely by your City Guard during my last stay on Jasoom. Frankly, I don't see what John Carter ever saw in that planet. Perhaps a visit to the family plantation in Virginia would be better than Chicago.

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