Ikariku's Funny Library
!!!!! Notice !!!!!!
All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....
481. S.M. & S.L.
There are 2 nuns who went out the convent for selling cookies. One of
them is known as Sister Mathematical (S.M.), the other is known as Sister
Logical (S.L.).It is getting dark and they are still far away from the
S.L. : Have you noticed a man that has been following us for the past half hour ?
S.M. : Yes, I wonder what he wants.
S.L. : It's logical. It's logical. He wants to rape us.
S.M. : Oh, no ! At this pace he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to do of course. We have to start walking faster.
S.M. : It is not working.
S.L. : Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical thing to do.
He also started to walk faster.
S.M. : So, what shall we do ? At this pace, he will reach us in less than 1minute.
S.L. : The only logical thing we can do is to split. You go that way and I will go this way.
He cannot follow both of them. So, the man decided to go after Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Loigical has not arrived
yet. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
S.M. : Sister Logical ! Thank god you are here. Tell us what happened?
S.L. : The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us,
so he decided to go after me.
S.M. : So, what happened. Please tell us.
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.
S.M. : So what happened ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
S.M. : And what else ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
S.M. : Oh, no. What did you do then ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to do. I took my dress up.
S.M. : Oh, Sister. What did the man do ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to do. He put down his pants.
S.M. : Oh, no ! What happened then ?
S.L. : Isn't it logical SIster ? A nun with her dress up runs faster than a man with his pants down.
** hey, what were you thinking???? :)
482. Prison vs Work
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At work, you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work, you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work, you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work, you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
educt taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work, there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work, we have managers.
483. THE CAT AND THE MILKMAN
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying
on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her
Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he
could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked
Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs
are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to
float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However,
two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her
eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning".
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl
and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I
saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was
shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been
for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy."
484. a phone call
A lawyer is trying to call his clients. The phone rings and their little
boy, in a whisper, says, "Hello.."
Lawyer: "Is your mommy there?"
Boy: (whisper) "Yes."
Lawyer: "Can I speak with her?"
Boy: (whisper) "She's busy."
L: "Is your daddy there?"
B: (whisper) "Yes."
L: "Can I speak with him?"
B: (whisper) "He's busy."
L: "Is there anyone else there?"
B: (whisper) "The fire department."
L: "Can I talk to one of them?"
B: (whisper) "They're busy."
L: "Is there anybody ELSE there?"
B: (whisper) "The police department."
L: "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?"
B: (whisper) "They're busy."
L: "Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the fire department
AND the police department are ALL in your house, and they're ALL busy.
WHAT are they doing?"
B: (whisper) "They're looking for me."
485. Letter home from school...
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I
need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love
to hear from you.
A week later..... a letter from "home"
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh
to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of
kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
486. The Christian Lady
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her
business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she
always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.
One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her
Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all
that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do it is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.
He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really know I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
487. The same
This married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, "I had
an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says, "what do you mean
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I
stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as
putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five
Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then
walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says,
"I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it
was the same as putting it in!"
488. Top 10 Reasons Why E-Mail Is Like a Male Reproductive Organ
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not
worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to
the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it
should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
4. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
3. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
1. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
489. SUBJ: Microsoft Furniture
August 7, 1997 (Seattle) -- Microsoft announced today that it will
provide office furniture with its software. The next release of
windows, code named Naugahyde, will include the Microsoft Chair at no
extra charge. "This is a natural for us," a Microsoft spokesperson
said. "We've conquered the desktop, so we're looking at way of
expanding our installed base."
The spokesperson denied accusations that bundling constitutes an
unfair competitive advantage. "We're just listening to our customers.
They've asked for more built in features, and who doesn't use a chair
when they're at their computer? Especially when they're waiting for
Windows to reboot."
Beta testers noted its large footprint and found the chair to lack
substantial features found in most of the competition. But when asked
if they dislike it enough to purchase another vendor's furniture, most
stated that they would just take what Microsoft had to offer.
Also in the works is a small seat, dubbed the Microsoft Stool, soon to
be bundled with laptops. Beta testers were surprised to find the
backless chair at their doorsteps. "Then again, it's not the first
time we've received a shrink-wrapped stool sample from Microsoft,"
noted one breathless customer.
490. SUBJ: MS-God
Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase,
copyright, and upgrade God.
The new product would be named, predictably enough, "Microsoft God,"
and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998. "Too many
people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave McCavaugh,
director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft God will
make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user
interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to
The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a
multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:
Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper
accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from
competing products like Buddha or Allah.
Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God
with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible
from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It
introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation
and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated
via a Secure Alms Server.
Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this
product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a
minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed
delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards
enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning
Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer
their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the
product will erase itself from the user's system and establish a clear
line of secure communications to the user's Microsoft God server.
Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of
complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance
the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a
customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular
religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God
product in much the same way as the previous version.
This line is expected to include Microsoft Christianity, Microsoft
Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior),
etc. Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is
planning to release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would
attempt to render Microsoft God installations inoperable.