Howard Carpendale performs for Heino

- some magical moments from Heino's birthday show in 1998, as observed by the eager Jürgen Menck, Hamburg, Germany

Dear Heino enthusiasts from all over the world, you probably know that Heino's
60th birthday was celebrated with an expensive 90 minute show on German prime
time TV, called "Der goldene Heino" (The Golden Heino). For all of you who did
not have the opportunity to see that show and for the ones who long to repeat
the experience, I have made an accurate account of some of the most magical
moments in that show, namely Howard Carpendale's birthday song and the dialogue
surrounding it.
I have also tried to add ample remarks and translations to make everybody, 
however perfunctory their knowledge of the German language and TV culture
may be, understand the inner workings of this amazing show. Enjoy!

About 10 minutes into the show, Kim Fischer (the female presenter) and Heino,
making small talk about birthday presents, approach a round table with Heino's
special presents on it.
Kim: Aber guck mal: Das ist jetzt Dein Gabentisch.          Kim explains the 
     (Heino: M-Hmm.) Wir haben uns folgendes gedacht.       gifts on the round
     (Heino, going round the table: Ich geh mal vor.)       table to Heino:
     Ja, genau. (slightly puzzled:) Beziehungsweise         Basically these
     die Künstler: (Heino: Ja.) Wir wissen ja, daß du       are supposedly
     zwei Cafés hast (Heino: M-Hmm) und Souvenirs           decorations for
     sammelst (Heino, as if before court: Richtig)          Heino's cafes
     und daß die Wände in Deinen Cafés noch relativ         and little riddles
     leer sind (Heino ignores this assertion politely),     at the same time.
     und jetzt hat sich jeder Künstler gedacht (German      Heino has to
     TV personalities are very stubborn in calling          unwrap them and
     Schlager singers artists), okay (suddenly pretending   pretend to guess
     to quote an abstract party guest), dann bring ich      whom they imply.
     Dir ein Souvenir von mir mit; (Heino: M-Hmm. He        After that the
     seems to think he always has to react in some way.)    respective guest
     eines, was Dich- ja- auf mich bringen soll.            will perform his
     (switching back to her own point of view:) Du          act.
     sollst nämlich jetzt im Laufe des Abends Päckchen 
     für Päckchen öffnen und mir sagen, von wem es kommt. 
Heino: Aber Du weißt ja mehr als ich! (KimHeino seems to feel uneasy about
       protesting mockingly: Hoho! Hoho!)    having to pretend that he's 
       Welches soll ich denn zuerst          choosing a box spontaneously
       auspacken?                            while really following a detailed
                                             schedule. So he asks Kim
                                             ironically for advice about which
                                             gift he's supposed to open first.
Kim: (She seems slightly shocked by          Kim tries to play along by
     Heino's lighthearted revelation         adopting an ironic tone herself.
     that everything is pre-arranged         She points at a gift and says:
     anyway but tries to play along by       "You should help us very much if
     adopting an ironic tone.) Du würdest    for example you unwrapped this
     uns sehr helfen, wenn Du dieses zum     one first now."
     Beispiel jetzt zuerst auspacken 
     würdest. (She points at a large box 
     in golden wrapping paper.)
Heino holds the box, they take positions on both sides of it.
Heino: Würdest Du mir denn helfen?           Heino asks if she would help, 
                                             immediately trying to ease the 
Kim: Na klar!                                Kim agrees happily.
Heino: So, dann nehm ich das mal hier        Heino opens the box and tell us 
       (takes it), mach ich das mal auf...   that he does so.
       (opens it)
They uncover a tennis racket and a golf club.
Kim: (pretending not to know:) Oh, ein       Everybody knows Kim knows what's 
     Tennissch...- nee, ein                  in the box, but still she
     Golfsch...läger- beides!                pretends to wonder.
Heino: (This overlaps with Kim's previous    Heino pretends to mistake the
       line a bit.) Tennisschläger und       golf club for a gun but his joke
       Kanone (The joke passes unnoticed     passes unnoticed. Then he claims
       by the audience), nein! Kim!! Das     ironically these instruments
       ist ein Tennisschläger und ein        could only belong to a pro (which
       Golfschläger. (Kim: Mm.) Das kann     Carpendale is probably not) and
       nur von einem Profi sein (heavy       reveals the name of his guest.
       irony)- Howard Carpendale?
Kim: (officially anouncing him) Howard 
Howard Carpendale appears on the main stage with a microphone in his hand.
He is a popular singer who was born and raised in South Africa but made his
career in Germany, mainly in the 70's. Fans used to refer to him as "Howie". 
They love his accent which is best recognizable when he pronounces "ech", 
"ich", or an "r" that is not preceded by a vowel. Some of his song texts
seem to have been expressly designed to highlight this accent! Take for
example the following line from "Du fängst den Wind niemals ein": "Und ich
frage mich, wie lang ich Dich noch halten kann."

"Bier an Bier mit Heino", Howard's birthday song for Heino
Howard's birthday song "Bier an Bier mit Heino" is actually a variation of
his own classic "Tür an Tür mit Alice" which was in turn a German version
of Smokie's "Living Next Door to Alice". A literal translation of the title
would be "Beer to Beer With Heino" but the spirit of the song is probably
better captured by calling it "Sitting Next Beer to Heino"!
Ein Freund rief an, mit leisem Ton        A friend called by telephone and
Sagte er ins Telefon:                     said in a low voice: "Hey, don't 
"Hey, vergiß nicht das mit Heino!"        forget that thing about Heino!" 
Und ich kramte die alten Briefe heraus:   And I dug out the old letters:
13. 12., ich halt es nicht aus!           Dec. 13th, I'll be damned! I knew
Ich wußte, es wird spät heut nacht,       tonight's going to be a long night,
Denn bei Heino geht's ab!                 because Heino's party will rock!
Nun steh ich hier am Tresen               Now I'm standing at the bar
Und denke nur daran,                      and I'm thinking
Es gibt im Leben Freunde,                 that there are friends in life
Die man nie enttäuschen kann,             whom you must never disappoint,
Und ich freue mich auf ein                and I'm looking forward to a
"Bier an Bier" mit Heino.                 "beer to beer" with Heino.
Fast 30 Jahre                             We've been fond of each other
Mögen wir uns schon,                      for almost 30 years now,
Ich kenn von Deinen Haaren                I almost know every blond tone
Fast jeden blonden Ton,                   of your hair,
Und auch heute steh ich gerne             and today I like to be standing
Bier an Bier mit Heino.                   beer to beer with Heino again.
Und ich sag Dir von mir zu Dir:           And I'm telling you from me to you:
Alles Gute, Heino!                        My best wishes, Heino!

Howard has moved towards Heino while singing. Now Heino pats him on the back:
Heino: Howard, danke Dir! (Howard, almost     Heino thanks Howard. He tries
       inaudible: Gerne, mein Freund. Höh.)   to come across as bacchantic
       Ich freu mich, daß Du hier bist,       and wholesome at the same time
       und das Bier (Howard, trying to        by promising to drink a beer with
       interrupt: Sag mal, was- was-) das     him yet insisting to do it after
       Bier trinken wir natürlich             the show!
Howard: Ja, klar! Aber was war das für'n      Howard is too preoccupied with
        Begrüßungsapplaus gerade? (He is      his own question to go along with
        talking about the ovations at the     Heino. He wants to make a comment
        beginning of the show.)               on the applause at the beginning
                                              of the show.
Heino: (seemingly taken aback) Toll!          Heino does not know what to
                                              answer except of course: "great".
Howard: (jokingly pretending to be 20         Howard pretends to muse about his
        years younger than he really is)      own 60th birthday and jokes about
        Ob das mir auch in 23 Jahren          it being 23 years away (instead
        passiert? Hahahaha-ha-ha.             of just three).
Heino: (jovially) Aber ganz bestimmt!         Heino still wants to react to the
       Hähähähähä.                            remark on the applause, so he says
                                              something reassuring to Howard and
                                              tries to gain time.
Howard: Mal seh'n. (trying to change          Howard wants to get down to brass
        subject) Wir haben... (Heino,         tacks and deliver the lines they
        interrupting: Man muß es...)          have rehearsed. But now Heino has
                                              found his answer:
Heino: Man muß es hier in Düsseldorf          He tries to flatter the Düsseldorf
       machen. (He tries to flatter his       audience (his hometurf) by
       audience again.)                       proposing Howard made his own 
                                              birthday party there.
Howard: (slightly brusque, probably           Howard is not interested in the
        unnerved by Heino's drift) Ja         topic anymore. As planned, he                                             
        gerne. Wir haben- äh- in Gelsen-      addresses their common past
        kirchen vor 31 Jahre' (Heino: Ja,     instead, in particular their first
        ja) zusammen unsere' erste' Auftritt  common show in the provincial town
        in Deutschland gemacht. Es war        of Gelsenkirchen.
        wirklich'n- äh- (barely audible 
        because Heino interrupts) lustiger 
Heino: (interrupting to place a joke) Und     Heino just had the idea for a new
       man hat uns- man hat uns immer         joke: He claims he and Howard
       verwechselt, beide blond, (Howard:     were always mistaken because of
       Hähähähähä) ich noch ohne Brille.      their blond hair. Howard seems a
       (Howard: Jaja!) Aber Howard, jetzt     bit uncomfortable now. Luckily,
       hör'n wir Deinen neuesten Hit.         Heino comes around and announces
       (Howard: Ja!) Ich freu mich drauf.     Howard's next song, adding
       (Howard: Gerne!) Und anschließend      slightly over-enthusiastically
       wird das Bier getrunken.               that they'll drink their beer
Howard: (visibly relieved to deliver his      Howard seems relieved to get it
        last line as memorized) Nimm's        over with. He ignores Heino's last
        nicht persönlich, es heißt: "Mit      remark (well, maybe the director
        Dir verschwend ich meine Zeit".       has told him to hurry, who knows?)
        Danke Dir!                            and makes a well-rehearsed joke
                                              about Heino and the song title,
                                              "I'm wasting my time with you."
Now the music sets in and Howard sings the song he just announced himself.

Back to main Heino Page