Paint Ball Reviews- Honest reviews of equipment from a jaded asshole who isn't getting paid a cent to tell you he likes brand X better Stories or articles that have been submitted by the players All the news that seems worth mentioning and upcomming game dates Dispelling the many myths surrounding the sport of paintball and a growing Q&A section Brief history of the players I have pics for and a peek at the Simian Jihad team as a whole A complete writeup of some of the most popular game formats along with tactical advice Getting on with it... Like our slogan? Sitemap (in case you are already lost)

-Tom Kaye, President Air Gun Designs

-Internet Australia

-Derek Panaia, Production Manager, USA Performance Products

These pages look best if viewed with a 4.0 browser or later and seeing as how they're free, why don't you get one? My personal favorite is Internet Explorer 4.5 because it's so versatile. Hate me for it? Cope. I tend to dissagree with Netscape ever since they were bought by AOL. Guess who controlls AOL?

Microsoft or Netscape?

Welcome number

. We've been expecting you.


.........I hate realizing that not everyone knows what Paintball is or have even heard about it. In case you're one of these people who never watch ESPN or have not met me personally, I'll explain it to you in nice words. Small words. Nothing breaks my heart worse than telling someone about the great day of paintball I had only for them to look at me like a chimp looks at a box of scrabble and says "What? PAIN-ball or PIN-ball?". These are the unenlightened people who need to be shown the one true way of enlightenment. They need to be shown the life they've been overlooking. They need to know what it's like to be in total focus with their hearts pounds with adrenaline as they charge down a path with an empty hopper and the other teams flag while the remainder of the other team give chase with their full hoppers emptying their contents all around him or her.
......... The object is simple. Everyone gets together wearing their favorite uniform or just expendable clothing, a few bottles of their favorite tastey beverage, and their paintball gear. The object depends upon the chosen game format but basically consists of rival teams trying to capture a flag or two and trying not to be tagged out. Everyone has played this game at some point. It was fun then and it's fun now. Instead of using your hands and running all over the place (sounds too healthy) to tag the others out, you use special markers which shoot a gelatin capsule filled with water soluble pigment filling at eachother. Naturally, we wear protective gear like the masks to keep paint from damaging your facial area or getting in your eye. If you get hit by one of these "paintballs" and it happens to break on you leaving a lovely splat, then you are out of the game for a predetermined amount of time. Once one of the teams win by meeting the requirements of the chosen game format, everyone takes a short break to drink, tell stories of bravery, humor, or misfortune, and cleans up to get ready for the next game.
......... Paintball is a game about sportsmanship like no other. Most other sports that I've participated in build up "team mentalities" where "Our team can beat up your team" and other such phrases are common. You don't see this a lot in paintball. When everyone puts on their protective gear, it's very difficult to tell who's team your on some times and if you're playing right, the team members change between every game so it's always different. Not too many people have an attitude like they are superior because most players remember that not too long ago, they were poor donuts just like the guys they're trying to lend a hand to now. I've been playing for over ten years and have made great friendships through playing paintball. It's so much more about having fun than other sports where you play maybe one game a day where with paintball you can play many many games in a single afternoon. You win some, you lose some, you waste a lot of paint, you leave with a smile that won't quit. Think I'm kidding? Try playing once and you'll see how people help eachother regardless of what team they're on. The real impressive sportsmanship becomes amazingly clear (for me at least) after the games when everyone goes to a resaraunt and share their experiences with eachother there.
(Editors note: Paintballers love buffets!)
......... In case you are concerned about safety, Paintball has been proven by independent studies to be several times more safe than golf, or even bowling. I think Foosball is actually more dangerous. Not because of the sliding rods which threaten to make you sterile if you stand too close, but have you ever seen the people who play that game?

This page was created some time in the summer of '96. I was not doing much one night other than cleaning all the paintguns people left at my place and I got the bright idea that if I had a web page, then my job organizing our little games here in the Oak Ridge/Knoxville area would become a lot easier.

I was wrong.

As it turned out, I started spending every waking moment getting my page updated and trying to think of more ways that it could become a mecca of paintball information and planning. I soon discovered that WARPIG would forever be much better at providing news in the industry. I also soon discovered that a plethora of mediocre sites devoted to paintball existed in Geocities alone. I must strive to be better than them.

Which brings me to this site...

If you want information from people who are paid to give it to you, then WARPIG is where you want to be. If, however, you want to read about the paintball industry and all of it's wares, as viewed by some jaded wankers who could really give a burnt monkey, then you are in the right place.

This site has only three purposes!

1: This site is meant to be entertaining/insulting. Any information contained within is intended to make you less of a chimp by showing you just how much of the world still belongs in trees and may not be copied in any way shape or form without giving me a quarter first. You can quote it all you like but someone is likely to punch you.

2: This site is meant to try and get all the local chimps to come out and shoot eachother. I spend waaay too much time gathering info and planning our little gang-wars over the internet that I often forget to telephone those who are computer/web illiterate. Tisk tisk tisk, primates...

3: This site is meant to tell you just what we think of all the shite out there to help you make your 'gun more heavy and finicky while serving no real purpose at all other than trying to gain a few more points of OPF. If one of us recomends it, expect another one of us to bash it and call the author a simian. Malcontents? Of course. There are very few companies who are exceptions to this rule and they don't even give us money but we're not bitter or anything...

Oh yeah, RIK-lube is so insanely cool that I just can't stop talking about it. Try some today with lunch!

Ten Things Paintballers Can't Live Without

I don't know how long you've been playing paintball, or if you ever have at all, but it is human nature to forget things. This is especially true with paintballers who have to wake up extra early on a Saturday morning in order to gather all their stuff and get to the game by 10am. I used to wake up at 6 just so I could get out to the field, buy paint, and get my air tanks filled. Usually, I'd stop for some chow on the way and then get a speeding ticket trying to get back by 10. In case you're wise enough to pack the night before, here are the most common things forgotten in the packing process.
1: A Towel
- Everyone knows you should never leave the earth without your towel. Likewise, it's uses in a game of paintball are priceless. You can clean off your marker, your mask, or even yourself after getting marked out. Needless to say, your towel isn't going to be in the best of condition once the day is over.
2: A Squeege
- Unless you're too damned cheap to buy a squeegy or your marker NEVER breaks a ball (yeah, right) then you should remember to bring your squeegy. I've got 4 or 5 (I break a lot of balls).
3: Air/CO2
- When I had a lot more bottles than I have now, I would always discover much to my horror that the bottle I just screwed into my GasHog 2000 only had enough gas in it to chrono and then rabbit 10 balls into the next game. Always know how much is left in your tanks and if they need to be filled, fill them waaaay ahead of time because you'll forget by the time the game rolls around.
4: PBR
- You can't have a good day of Paintball without having a few cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon laying around making you feel masculine (women prefer to bring Zimas in a can) and good at paintball. For the love of Robbo, please don't try to drink one though. Those things are just evil.
5: Spare clothes
- I don't know about you, but I get pretty sweaty after a good day of paintball and between sweat and paint, whatever you wore to the field will smell less than it's best for the inevitable feast after the game. At least bring a spare T-shirt or something because you'll look really silly trying to go through a buffett wearing a towel. That is, unless it has Ron Jeremy on it.
6: Extra O-rings
- Everyone blows o-rings. Some people are especially tallented in this area and can't keep an o-ring on a tank long enough to get it into the same room as their marker, let alone play with it. Even if you aren't one of the afforementioned cursed people and have decent luck with your o-rings, they'll eventually need to bum one from you. Have a heart!
7: Barrel Plug
- If you don't keep them in your barrel between games, they're just small enough to get lost. Watch out, you WILL lose it.
8: Snacks
- Nothing tastes better (imho) after a sweaty game of paintball than some beef jerky! Perhaps you prefer a nice dill pickle, a twinkee, or one of those 12 foot long party subs that Subway puts out. Whatever you prefer to snack on, be sure to bring some to the game if you will be there the whole time. Either that, or save some of your money for the inevitable post-paintball buffett.
9: Tasty Beverage
- Some people are smart enough to bring water, others are higher in the tree and bring Gatoraid. Most, however, forget and don't bring anything at all. The penalty is that they have to drink PBR.
10: Paint
- I can't tell you how many times people show up without paint for the day. That's one of the two reasons why I've started bringing paint to sell at the field. The other is that I hate seeing people get mad at paintball and think it sucks all because they cheaped out and bought Brass Eagle paint. Grrr...

So you don't like our slogan, eh?

That's fine. I'm not too keen on it either. It's ok though, we've got about a bizillion of them and more keep comming.

You just can't keep an egotistical simian down. Much. The point is that none of them give you a boner when you hear it. You don't get really excited and start twitching your trigger finger when you hear them. Some of them are dumb.


If you can come up with a nifty slogan, I'll personally buy you some paint for the next game. I'll pat you on the back and shake your hand. You get a certificate granting you a free course in Adjudication from Matt Hinkle. I'll put your name all over the page and not have it say "Your Name Here is a chimp". That is... Unless you are one of the truly unique people who deserve no slack. In order to register for this lovely contest, all you have to do is submit your idea(s) to me and I'll let you know.

Ok ok, I may be one of the worst typers in the world and there's no way of spell checking in wordpad (where all the editing for this page happens) so mistakes and typos are all over this site. If you should happen to find one, you have three options. The first is the most common: forget about it and move on. The second is to email me, Der Webmeister, and let me know of any corrections that need to be made. The last one is to tell everyone BUT me about it and let me find out about it through the grape vine. Thanks Joel... The naked pics of your mom are next.