I would like to say that DD can be a very nice way of managing a marriage, however there are some very important things that it is not. So first I will discuss that aspect as I in no way want this site to be misconstrued as supporting domestic abuse. Domestic discipline is a way of managing the problems of leadership in marriage and helping establish guidelines for leadership and submission. It is always consensual and never forced on the submissive person by the dominant person. It does not involve physical force that is not consensual or discussed by both parties prior to any punishment. If you are a dominant thinking, “Here is a way I can force her to be under my control” you’re in the wrong place. Hitting with a fist, shoving around and otherwise using physical force that is non-consensual is nothing but abuse and would not be approved of here.
Submission is something that is to be voluntarily given, presented as the greatest gift a woman can give her mate. By giving her submission she is handing over control of not only herself but also the relationship to be carefully handled by the dominant mate. With accepting her submission also comes a lot more responsibility, you will be responsible for her negative behavior corrections, health and general happiness. This is too much for some men to handle and should be a careful decision, made with a lot of thought. This is a gift that can be respected or abused. If you accept her submission you are agreeing to not only the physical punishments but to the responsibilities of protecting her from all outside sources of harm as well as the harm she can bring to herself and the relationship by her own internal makeup. Think first, how hard it would be for you to turn over all control to her. How would it be to have her making all the major decisions about the household and then physically busting your butt if you did not behave properly? Could you do that? She has probably asked you for just that type of relationship and that is why you are reading this. Submission is something much harder to do than most of us dominants could do, she does this voluntarily and not like your drill instructor who wrested control from you by hourly and daily brainwashing. She will not be perfect at it at first but will be trying hard to serve you, as you must try hard to be fair and loving in your control of her.
First and most important is communication. In order to understand why your partner has brought this to you, you must sit with her in a very open way and ask her what she is hoping to gain through this type of relationship. Listen to her, she knows what she wants and your job will be to help her achieve any goals that she may have. That is as long as the goals are in her best interest and you must decide if they are. We use a monthly or even weekly check up wherein Maryann kneels naked on a pillow in front of my chair. At that point she is free to bring up anything that is bothering her or that she feels is a problem in her service to you. Your job then is to listen and question her to find what is going right and possibly wrong with her submission. Anything that is brought up by her during this discussion is not to be considered punishable. This time is the best tool of developing the relationship and helping the both of you into a fuller understanding of what is going on in each of you. She may also ask questions of you that you are to answer with thought and honesty. There is one thing that is punishable that results from these discussions and that is dishonesty. No matter what the dominant asks the sub to reveal she is to answer with honesty and not try to conceal anything. You are asking her questions to reveal in depth her inner thoughts and soul. If she is not honest you cannot possibly know what she needs to expand her or be happy. Questions I ask range from how she is feeling physically, how she is feeling emotionally, what changes she would like from herself and from me. They may go into her sexuality, and what her inner thoughts and fantasies are to how things are going at work. Again, you being the dominant are the leader and may have to search her mind. You will never know another woman so intimately in your entire life. She is yours to understand, make the effort to understand her needs and her inner core.
Growth: Some in this life style refers to Growth by the old BDSM term of stretching. It is also a dominant's job to make sure that the sub is not only physically well and emotionally happy but also sexually healthy and happy. Demand to know her fantasies and hopes in the sexual arena. Always ask what fantasies she would want to come true or are just psychic turn-ons for her. If they are things she fantasizes about but has had a fear of revealing or trying, it is you job to lead her to completion of those fantasies and make them into realities for her if she wants realities. Some of these things are very deeply seated and cannot be rushed from thought to reality immediately. They should be taken one step at a time and terminated if she finds in herself a fear or terror of the act. Many of you came to DD because of her erotic fantasy of being spanked, which is a thought that she probably harbored for many years prior to feeling comfortable or desperate enough too tell you about. That is why, I figure, most of the women don’t bring this up until at least age 30’s or 40’s. As this fantasy led to fun spankings for her and now is maybe leading her to ask for more in the form of domestic discipline, other fantasies may lead to other places so go slow and learn what she is really like inside. I guarantee she is not the woman you thought you knew that was controlled by her societal upbringing and psycho-sexual training by the “puritan based” and fearful society she was raised in. Know that once you begin on this path you may find things that make you fearful. She will be a different woman than the one brought up in the “fearful of women’s sexuality” male dominated society that she has been used to. In doing this you are accepting the responsibility for her sexual growth, giving her permission to give in to her thoughts and dreams of what she would like. Again you are responsible to make sure that those things are good for her and will not be harmful to her psyche.
Punishment: Whatever she is to be punished for should be something that is clearly spelled out to her before the punishment. We found it very helpful at first to write down the things that she wanted to change about herself and the things that were irritants to me about her. Along with each item was a punishment, (i.e. cussing in front of the children-- 20 swats). That way she knew the consequences of the misbehavior and was able to try and stop herself prior to committing the act. If she chose not to obey the rule, she also knew that she would be punished and how hard. At times the listed punishment was increased due to the fact that she at times felt the punishment was nothing to the belief that it was worth the punishment to try and get away with it. She was also required to keep a list of infractions that occurred in my absence. Boy was that a hard one for her. Punishment should always be done when you are cool calm and collected and not in the heat of anger. That way she understands that she is being punished, fairly and that you are not punishing her just because you are mad but because it is something that you must do to fulfill your positions and bring about good behavior. You will have to discuss and find the limits of the punishment based on what the reality is in your relationship. Most in DD stop at spanking and corner time, yet others grow into more firm BDSM practices and minor humiliations to achieve their goals. Once again communication is very mandatory. She as well as you may change during the process. The sub that could barely take 10 swats may, one year later, be asking to be tied up and paddled with leather and switches.
Erotic response: There are probably as many psychic reasons for being aroused by physical pain as there are women who enjoy it. Going into those areas would be impossible for me to understand however I do know the physical responses that make it arousing to these subs. 1) Blood flow is increased not just to the buttocks but the entire pelvic region is subject to the blood increase. In the female the response is mimicked by sexual arousal. The blood flow causes swelling in the labia, erection and arousal of the clitoris and engorgement to the vagina. If she tells you a spanking turns her on and you don’t believe her, give her a good spanking and wait a minute while rubbing her now hot red butt. Now check, look for the signs I outlined by examining her. There will be no doubt left in you mind that she is aroused. In fact quite a few women actually reach orgasm while being spanked.
Consistency: One of the chief complaints that I have heard from submissives is that their dominant is not consistent with doling out the punishment. Sometimes an infraction gets them punished and at other times he seems to care less. That is not ever going to effect the changes you are seeking. You must be consistent. A rule broken is a rule broken and there are punishments that MUST be delivered in order to effect the changes. Yes there are times that giving out that spanking will interrupt that football game, but with proper application will prevent you from being interrupted in the future. I would suggest that if it is really an inopportune time, like you're under the car changing oil and she violates a rule, tell her firmly, “Go to the corner and think about it. As soon as I am ready I’ll be there to deal with your punishment” A good submissive will be waiting in her corner when you are done with the oil change and have done a lot of thinking about what she could have done differently to avoid the unavoidable spanking.
In addition, we would like to share some essays we have been given permission to post. They are the "vanilla man" from Jack. The titles are:
TABLE - OF - CONTENTS
Back to Main Page
Consistency and Structure
Hitting the wall
Taking a break
Myths and Facts
Hormones Affecting Spanking
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