An Officer and a Gentle Drew
Written by:
David Feinman
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. (COLD OPEN/A) COLD OPENING SCENE A INT. DREW'S OFFICE - DAY (LARRY, DREW, MIMI, VARIOUS KIDS, LEWIS, ATMOSPHERE) (DREW IS SEATED AT HIS DESK TALKING TO LARRY WHO IS SEATED ACROSS FROM HIM GOBBLING DOWN A SLOPPY HAMBURGER.) LARRY Drew, this is great. You need to go to Chubbyburger. DREW Why? So everyone can laugh at me? "Look, a chubby guy at Chubbyburger." LARRY You live in a sad, sad world. DREW Yeah right. I've seen you walk a mile to avoid parking in front of the Hair Club for Men. (MIMI ENTERS AND UNFURLS A HUGE BANNER IN FRONT OF DREW'S DESK. DREW READS IT OUT LOUD.) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. (COLD OPEN/A) DREW (CONT'D) "Hey, kids, have your picture taken with the original Chubbyman" (ON THE BANNER, WE SEE A CARICATURE OF DREW DRESSED IN A CHECKERED APRON AND A CHEF'S HAT, STRIKING A BOB'S BIG BOY POSE. MIMI GRABS A BURGER AND HANDS IT TO DREW.) MIMI Keep your mouth shut and eat. (MIMI CROSSES TO THE ENTRANCE AND ADDRESSES AN OFFSTAGE CROWD.) Okay, listen up. We're going to do this nice and orderly or I swear I'll kill every last one of you. (A CROWD OF SCREAMING KIDS AND LEWIS RUSH IN AND SURROUND DREW.) VARIOUS KIDS It's Chubbyman. We love you Chubbyman. (AS DREW IS SURROUNDED BY SCREAMING KIDS, PARENTS FILL THE ROOM SNAPPING PHOTOS. KIDS ARE CLIMBING ALL OVER DREW. DEJECTED AND DEFEATED, DREW TAKES A BITE OF THE BURGER. FROM THE FRINGE OF THE CROWD, LEWIS BEGINS SLOWLY WORKING HIS WAY TOWARD THE CENTER, PUSHING KIDS ASIDE. FINALLY, LEWIS IS ALONE IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM WITH DREW. A HUSH FALLS OVER THE CROWD. ALL EYES ARE ON LEWIS WHO CAREFULLY LOOKS DREW UP AND DOWN.) LEWIS HEY! This isn't Chubbyman. I'm sorry, kids. It looks like she duped us again. DISSOLVE TO: ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. (COLD OPEN/B) COLD OPENING SCENE B INT. DREW'S KITCHEN - DAY (KATE, DREW, OSWALD, LEWIS) (KATE AND OSWALD ARE SEATED. DREW PUTS AWAY GROCERIES. KATE PULLS A MAGAZINE OUT OF ONE OF THE BAGS.) KATE Drew, this is Cosmopolitan. Is there something you want to tell us? DREW Yeah. Leave my stuff alone. OSWALD A grown man reading Cosmo on a Sunday. We don't deserve the Browns. DREW Sundays are the death of hope. KATE You're hopeless every day. Besides what do you care if Monday's coming? You like your job. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. (COLD OPEN/B) DREW It's not the job. It's Mimi. I mean I don't look a thing like Chubbyman. (KATE AND OSWALD AD-LIB AGREEMENT BEFORE SNICKERING.) KATE You know, Drew, women love Chubbyman. DREW Really? KATE If I say yes will you put on the apron and pose with me? OSWALD Just do what I do when dealing with unpleasant women. It's foolproof. KATE Oswald, he can't just cover his ears and sing I can't hear you. (OSWALD COVERS HIS EARS AND SINGS.) OSWALD I can't hear you. DREW I think this article will help. OSWALD Lose 10 Pounds and Your Virginity in 2.2 Days? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. (COLD OPEN/B) DREW (EXCITED) Oooh. I didn't see that one. Anyway, I meant the other one. "Your Co-Worker and You: The Stairway to Heaven in Six Easy Steps" OSWALD Yeah. That'll help. (LEWIS ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM. HE IS COVERED WITH GREASE.) DREW Lewis, I thought you left before. LEWIS No. I was upstairs in the bathroom. DREW This whole time. I guess it's a good thing I bought this. (DREW PULLS OUT A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER FROM A GROCERY BAG.) LEWIS Nooooo. I haven't done that outside my house since the Cathy Radcliffe incident in the second grade. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. (COLD OPEN/B) KATE Oh, yes. That was a difficult time for all of us. LEWIS I put new washers in for you. DREW Gee, I kind of liked the old ones. LEWIS I'm taking a plumbing by mail class. DREW Really? Your mailman must love you. LEWIS The first thing you learn is it's never too early to replace a washer. OSWALD And it's never too early to wash. (OSWALD HANDS LEWIS A WASHCLOTH.) KATE Look at you. You're a mess. That DrugCo furlough is taking a toll. LEWIS The irony is I always thought I was destined for the life of leisure. DREW Leisure costs money. You were broke when you had a job. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7. (COLD OPEN/B) LEWIS Tell me about it. I can't even pay my parking tickets. (LEWIS GRABS A COUPLE OF BEERS AND HANDS ONE TO OSWALD WHO TAKES IT GINGERLY TO AVOID GETTING DIRTY.) OSWALD Look on the bright side. You've got no place to drive to anyway. LEWIS That's the problem. The longer I leave the car parked in front of my house the more tickets I get. DREW Just move the car. LEWIS Are you paying for the gas? I'm telling you, I've gotta get a job. (OSWALD WASHES OFF HIS BEER AT THE SINK. AS HE TURNS ON THE FAUCET, WATER FLIES OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE. HE'S DRENCHED.) OSWALD Well, it's safe to say we can cross plumbing off the list. DISSOLVE TO: ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8. (I/C)