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Old Goop


Who Says Paybacks are a Bitch?

L.A.'s Rain of Terror

The Greatest Country on God's Green Earth

Hello I Must be Going

Discovering the Great Indoors



G O O P


Discovering the Great Indoors

My Living Room (2/13/2000) - It seems like every week I read another story about some guy locking himself in his house and swearing off all non-internet contact with the outside world for this or that amount of time. While I don't normally think of myself as a trendsetter, I'm proud to say I was way ahead of the curve on this one. Hell, I was a hermit before the internet was even a gleam, or whatever it is that passes for a gleam, in Al Gore's eye.

If I remember correctly, my last semester of college, the only time I left the dorm was for midterms and finals. Two of my four classes had a paper only option and it didn't take me long to fudge my way through the few exams I couldn't avoid taking. Since I hadn't attended any of the lectures, my mind was blissfully uncluttered by anything resembling answers. This was back in a time never going outdoors required personal sacrifice. I may have been the only senior still on the meal plan and living in the same dorm as the cafeteria meant plenty of extra insects.

Unlike today's trendy internet hermits who will probably all be busting out as soon as wireless makes it convenient to mount a webcam on the dashboard of an SUV, I was committed to the lifestyle. After college, I routinely holed up in my basement apartment on Long Island for long periods of time. More often than not, my only entertainment option was Hill Street Blues reruns and I've still got the videotapes to prove it. I dug them out the other day and, if the truth be told, reliving the saga of Captain Furillo and his public defender wife who called him Pizza Man is a lot more interesting than watching some dope order a pizza online. Next time I want to see some sun-deprived pasty-face order pizza, I'll install a mirror over my couch.

Any loser can swear off the outside world with the benefit of broadband, a credit card and the knowledge that he can keep in touch with six or seven other losers looking in via the web. What's the point of that? The interactive nature of the internet does not lend itself to effective hermitage. The true hermit watches television all day and all night raging away at the commentators as if he were actually a member of the Capital Gang. And why not? Those imbeciles are clearly more removed from the real world than he is. He derives perverse pleasure from the fact that his words of wisdom are predestined to fall on deaf ears with the possible exception of a neighbor or two who is afraid to tell him to pipe down due to the mistaken notion that the most likely response to such a request would be a shotgun blast.

Freaks like Ted Kaczynski give us hermits a bad name. Sure we have our moments of rage but we're basically gentle souls. I'll pit my rage against anyone's, anytime but believe me I am no misanthrope. I like people as much as the next guy. Probably more so. When you get right down to it, I'm just lazy and easily entertained. The combination doesn't add up to a life filled with grand adventure. I'd get out more often if everything wasn't copacetic in my apartment.

This is not to say that I don't have any ambitions. I've always wanted to host a talk show but Hollywood isn't a town that rewards the lazy and easily satisfied. Assuming you name isn't Rupert Pupkin, the first logical step towards getting your own talk show would be leaving your apartment.

You'd think that with the web I'd have found a perfect outlet but you won't see me installing a webcam in my apartment and interviewing my cat anytime soon. I'm not about to live my entire life in front of six or seven people with nothing better to do than wonder if I'm in the bathroom or getting something out of the refrigerator whenever I'm off-camera. (Chances are it's both.) I'd rather just write about my life for you guys. This way at the end of the day, I'll at least have something to show for it so that on those rare occasions when I do get out of the house and people ask what I've been up to, I can send them here.

So to the six or seven of you joining me on this not so grand adventure, I sincerely thank you for your support. I don't promise to be informative. I don't even promise to be funny. I will, unlike those other guys locked up in their bunkers ordering online pizza, at least try to keep it interesting even if that means occasionally dragging my butt outside the friendly confines of my apartment in search of material.

As for the rest of you who are just here to see what I've been up to, I'm betting you're sorry you asked.

Dave
2/13/2000
Message Board



The plan is to put up a column every week. Just in case I don't there's a  double-your-money-back guarantee of at least one new Goop every other  week. When I'm inspired, I may Goop more frequently.

Sign up for the Goop List and I'll send you an e-mail whenever a new Goop  appears. I will not sell your address or give it away. Every now and then I  may print out the list of addresses and hang it on the wall under a big  banner that says these people like me. I'm funny that way. Well, not really  funny but coming right out and saying I'm pathetic isn't likely to get you to  sign up. Oops.

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