First off, you need to establish a position of authority over your computer. Set it across the room from you and call it. If it comes, reward it with a cookie, pat it on the monitor and say reassuring things like "Good boy!" or "Good girl!". Do not punish the computer unless it starts doing things really bad, like leaking on the carpet, jumping on your boy/girlfriend's leg, or downloading porn behind your back (by accident). Once it starts coming when you call, then you can move on to more advanced techniques.
THE NEXT STEP
What do you do next? Some more advanced techniques! Heeling is a good one. It won't know what you're talking about when you first tell it to heel, so you're going to have to show it. Take a cord from the computer (one of the thick ones that are screwed into the back) and pull it behind you while yelling "HEEL!" at it. Another technique that is useful to teach computers is how to fetch. You can start it off easy by getting it to find porn (since all computers love to find porn), and after that, harder things like balls and ducks.
(just look at how happy it is!)
|WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE TOO FRIENDLY COMPUTER?
Sometimes computers can be too anxious to show their affection, for instance by continuously displaying porn, or cooking breakfast the morning after to suck up. If you have a really affectionate computer it may order some flowers before a night of passion. Nobody really knows what these computers are after, and nobody really cares.
WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOUR COMPUTER IS REALLY BAD?
If it's a really bad computer, there's only one guaranteed solution. Sit it in the back seat of your car and go for a drive out in the woods. Find a secluded spot, and let it out of the car. If you love it, set it free, and let it run in the wild. If you don't, shoot it and bury it, because otherwise it will attract scavengers.
WHAT IF IT HAS INFORMATION THAT I NEED?
Get a red hot poker and stab it repeatedly until it spits up what you need.
|HOW CAN I MAKE MY COMPUTER CONFESS? I KNOW IT'S EVIL!
So you've accepted the truth that your computer is evil. If it won't talk, start cutting off its limbs until it confesses. I like starting with the mouse, since it'll really miss it... After that, it doesn't really matter which order you do it in, just make sure you leave the speakers alone so you can hear it scream! Otherwise, what's the point? If it still doesn't talk, I cut the power and take it out to pasture. Some computers will not confess, even for the best inquisitioners, and that's a fact of life.
||I MEAN IT'S LIKE REALLY EVIL! LIKE THERE'S SOME DEMON OR SOMETHING
How do you know if your computer is possessed by some otherworldly spirit?
Well, some giveaway symptoms are:
-if whenever you try to save a file, the monitor starts spinning really quickly
-strange fluid spits out of the CD-ROM
-a large hairy demon is inside the case
-it downloads porn behind your back
If your computer has any of these symptoms, then it is posessed, and needs to be exorcised. Go down to your local church and pick up some holy water and a couple of stakes. Wait until after dawn while it sleeps. Most posessed computers try to climb back into their boxes before the sun comes up so you may have some hunting to do. Once you find it, hammer a stake through its heart. Then shower the beast with holy water while chanting "May the power of Christ compel you!" and making the sign of the cross.