Ben Weasel's Punk Rock Dress Code
(Originally printed in Maximumrocknroll #i forget. Written by Ben Weasel).
People.... I DIDN'T WRITE THIS! I'M JUST POSTING IT FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES! SO DON'T YELL AT ME! however, i'll keep this forum up for you all to enjoy and respond to.:::
YOU LOOK LIKE A DORK:
In the past three months, MaximumRocknRoll's circulation has doubled. Because of this, a lot of you yo-yo's reading this column are newcomers and probably not aware of my feelings about the current fashion trends in punk rock. Even the people who HAVE
been reading my columns like good little doobies apparently haven't been taking me seriously because they're still dressing like complete and total dorks.
I suggest you pay close attention to what I'm about to tell you because it could very well change your life. Without any further
hoopla, I present THE OFFICIAL PUNK ROCK DRESS CODE.
1. Baseball caps are nice, I own a total of five baseball caps myself and I often wear my Cubs cap or my USA: AMERICAN AND PROUD cap when I go out to pick up the mail or stock up on Gatorade for
the weekend. But I would no more wear a ball cap to a gig than I would a fez. Ball caps have no fucking place in punk rock (though the sport of baseball itself has a very important place in punk rock - I'll get to that some other time). So from here on in, anyone who wears a ball cap to a gig is a fucking jerk.
2. Baggy shorts have no place in punk rock. Baggy shorts are a product of the hip hop scene and it's there that they should
remain. Nobody wants to see your turd-crusted butt crack and your piss-stained skivvies. Nobody is impressed by that stupid goddamn chain on your wallet hanging down five feet like a pair of mittens your mother clipped to your parka. If you forget to bring this column with you to your next gig after you've clipped it neatly from these pages, just remember this: Baggy pants=DORK. NO EXCEPTIONS! (I also have strong feelings about baggy t-shirts. Baggy t-shirt wearers, however, are NOT necessarily dorks, because often times they have no choice in the matter;
too may bands have succumbed to the pressure to only stock XL t-shirts in their van, thus ensuring that the well- meaning punks will end up LOOKING like dorks. FUCK any band who doesn't sell LARGE t-shirts as well as [or better yet, instead of] XL t-shirts).
3. Backpacks. Backpacks are for school or hiking trips. They are not for gigs. Punk rock shows do not generally take place in
the uncharted wilderness; there is no need for a backpack. They are aesthetically unpleasing, but worse, there is no valid
PRACTICAL reason for wearing a backpack to a show; anything that can't fit into the pockets of your leather jacket is most likely unnecessary anyway. Which brings me to the most important segment of the PUNK ROCK DRESSCODE: what you SHOULD wear.
First of all, and most important is if you think you're a punk and you don't own a leather jacket, you're not a punk. The
whiniest of you are thinking to yourselves, WELL I DON'T CARE, I DON'T WANNA BE CLASSIFIED AS A PUNK ANYWAY. Shut up and go home. Real punks wear real leather jackets. Real punks wear real leather jackets WITHOUT stupid spikes or studs or patches or paintings or stickers or band names plastered all over them. If you're a punk, your leather jacket is adorned only by a few tastefully placed buttons on the lapels. Since we have to take climate into account, you can't be expected to wear your leather jacket EVERY time you go to a gig. But if you don't wear your leather jacket at least 65% of the time when you go out, you're no punk.
Secondly, footwear is more important than you may think. If you wear Doc Martens, you're a sucker. ANY other kind of boot is acceptable. As far as sneakers go, there is one and only one acceptable brand and that is Chuck Taylor Converse All-Star
hi-tops. Now, I know you already know that, but what you don't know is that punks DO NOT wear red Converse, Christmas Converse, plaid Converse or any kind of Converse except for black. Uh, that is until recently. After communicating with Stevie of the now defunct Devil Dogs AND learning that Samiam gets paid to wear black Chuck Taylors at least 50% of their onstage time, I've come to the realization that black C.T.'s have been co- opted by the mainstream and are now utterly unacceptable. I KNOW what you are thinking. You're thinking, BUT BUT BUT, ALL SORTS OF MAINSTREAM
PEOPLE WEAR LEATHER JACKETS AND YOU SAID LEATHER JACKETS ARE THE NUMBER ONE PRIORITY OF THE PUNK ROCK DRESS CODE. Fuck you, I know what I said. The point is, leather jackets are not a SYMBOL of
MAINSTREAM ALTERNATIVE/PUNK. Back C.T.'s ARE.
Because this is such a recent development, there will be a grace period of three months from the publication of this column during which you will not be considered a total fucking twit if spotted
sporting black C.T.'s(e.d. your time is up). But after that three months, your C.T.'s should be white. No other colors, no funky laces or writing on the shoes, just plain white. Don't even try to argue about it because I've gone over every argument in my own head.
There is no other way.
You already know that baggy pants are for the birds. Aside from that, there's a decent amount of leeway in the PUNK ROCK DRESS CODE as far as pants go, though you're really better off sticking with blue or black jeans (LEVI's ONLY! NO GAP, WRANGLER, TOUGHSKINS, JORDACHE, SERGIO or whatever the fuck else you might
And though you can wear just about any jacket during the 35% of the time when you're not sporting your nifty leather, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should a punk be seen wearing a gas station jacket. Gas station jackets are for guys with 20/20 vision who wear glasses anyway to impress the dimwitted emo chicks. The gas station jacket is the 90's version of the Nehru jacket and years from now, when you idiots look back at photos of yourselves in 1995 because your snot nosed kids asked you if you ever did anything besides selling insurance, you will cringe.
That's it. For the one dumb fucker in Hungary who's sharpening up his angry letter pencil at this very moment, lighten up. My
PUNK ROCK DRESS CODE is only wishful thinking(though those of you who adhere to it will thank me later).
And lemme tell you something else about punks, punk. IF YOU DON'T THINK THE RAMONES WERE THE GREATEST BAND TO EVER WALK THE EARTH, YOU ARE NOT A PUNK, YOU ARE NOT EVEN FUCKING CLOSE. YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING IN A BAND, DOING A FANZINE, OR SHOWING YOUR SORRY
FACE AT A GIG. IF YOU PLACE ANY BAND ABOVE THE RAMONES, YOU ARE AN IDIOT. I WILL BE BUYING INSURANCE FROM YOU COME JULY.
UPDATE: This was sent to me by MOSSIM3879@aol.com, after he had read what I had on my page by Ben Weasel. The following is the ver batim copy of what he wrote to me. I did not want to alter or edit what was written.
and so i present to you..... the rebuttal:
Subj: what crap...
Date: Sat, 25 Dec 1999
forward this to that guy who made the rules for a punk's atire:
u r full of crap, man. ramonessuck, and to me they have no sound of punk though they have my respect. and patches (if by the right style of band) can be placed properly on a joggers jacket with hood, and that person still be considered a punk. i understand the colored converse but lowtops are just as good. also baseball hats dont go with leath jackets at all. no matter
what. especially for a punk rawker. and back packs are punk rawk. it takes time to wear it in. (patches over paint, and it being tore up a bit. though u dont sew ever patch on. u must b creative with the safety pins). on the subject of jackets: it takes spikes, studs, pyramids, and some patches on the jakcet makes an oldskool punk. u no this is true. u need to keep an open mind and not be so sterotypical. being this way does get u friends very well. and widen ur horizen. tR@e
I've received another rebuttal from "Mike _" email@example.com. I've got permission from him to post his rebuttal here. Once again, I have not changed any of the email's text. Here we go!
Subject: Punk Rock Dress Code???
Date: Wed, 04 Apr 2001 17:39:17 -0700
The guy who wrote this is retarded (no offense to actual retards like my
uncle who has more dignity) but over the years punk rock has become
more and more of a fashion statement than a state of mind or an artistic musical expression, it's just crap now, I listen to alot of old school punk
rock, some new hardcore and the shit they have out now is just spiked hair
and chains and a bunch of rich kids singing about absolute pop crap. I'm
assuming that the rise of Green Day had something to do about this, but
punk rock is what you want it to be, a true punk wouldn't follow a code by
some moron, they would follow their own rules, oh by the way, enough with
the bitching and uhh, nice site!
yet again, an angry rebuttal
Apparently, this makes people VERY angry. I just posted this little diddy up here because it is so ridiculous! Come on people, Ben Weasel himself wrote it as a joke! I think it's time we all calm down a bit and think about this logically... . . . . . . or, you can just read this new email I've received.
Date: Fri, 21 Dec 2001 06:09:07 -0500
okay idiot----you say the ramones suck and have nothing to do with punk rock....then you say that you respect them.....which one shit for brains? (not to mention you have no sense of spelling.) As for those hoods with patches, those are the guys that are bonehead suburbancore rich kids. And those patches were funded by the parents. As for the shithead that thought it was important for us to read what his interpretation of punk rock is, shut up! Never was punk anything other than music it was a bunch of idiot straight edge kids that fell in love with Ian Mckye that thought it would be a good Idea to put meaning behind music made for misfit kids that didn't know how to play guitar. So they shaved their heads and became skinheads or hardcore idiots that think punk is some sort of political movement. How does a scene mostly inhabited by 16 year old PUNKS that don't pay taxes become a political movement. Anyway...you people take things too seriously and that is what is wrong with punk rock nowadays. Not the fact that people happen to buy a certain bands record and MAKE them famous (yes you forget that "the kids" bought those millions of records not the bands that made them) and you blame some lucky bunch like green day and blink 182 for bringing down your scene. "oh but major labels suck and Im so D.I.Y." go fuck yourself...if someone handed you a million dollars and unlimited blowjobs you would be in the geffen records office in a second. As for anyone else...bring it I am fucking Crispy and you can personally e mail me with you stupid punk rock bullshit and I will be happy to make an ass of you and your stupid punker than thou arguments in a less private format....
Bring it kids!
Date: Mon, 28 Jan 2002
From: "Tim Johns" firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: Ben Weasel's Punk Rock Dress Code (reply)
The post down below is in reply to the Ben Weasel
article; "Punk Rock Dress Code" that you have on your site. I'm answering the first shithead to reply on your web site. I think his e-mail address is: "MOSSIM3879@aol.com". You have my full permission to post it up on your web site. Thank you
for your time.
"u r full of crap, man. ramonessuck, and to me they
have no sound of punk though they have my respect."
Okay, judging by the way this fucktard contradicts
himself (within the same fucking sentence mind you) by
saying that the Ramones suck, then how they have his
total respect, just goes to show you that he's a
possible candidate for the 'stupidist human shit stain
on the face of the planet' title. That and the fact
that you can't even string together a complete fucking
sentence. Why don't you get some grammar in your diet,
you retard? I hate people like you. If you think the
Ramones suck, then you obviously aren't even worth an
ounce of my time. But I'll humor you anyway, because
it's like 5:30am and I'm bored.
"and patches (if by the right style of band) can be
placed properly on a joggers jacket with hood, and
that person still be considered a punk."
Okay, I would respond to that one, if I could figure
out what the hell you were talking about. Patches if
by the right style of band? Again; what the fuck are
you talking about? You really are waste of skin.
You're one load your mother should have swallowed.
"i understand the colored converse but lowtops are
just as good. also baseball hats dont go with leath
jackets at all. no matter what. especially for a punk
Oh really, shit-stain? Especially for a "Punk Rawker"?
What kind of a retard are you? I can't think of
anything that fuels me more than some gimp who spells
words wrong on purpose, just for the sake of looking
cute. How do you expect to get your point across (and
have people take you seriously) when you do shit like
that? Your opinion isn't EVEN valid.
"and back packs are punk rawk."
Again, for fuck's sake.....STOP WITH THAT! It's "Punk
Rock", not "Punk Rawk", you shithead. Die!
"it takes time to wear it in. (patches over paint,
and it being tore up a bit. though u dont sew ever
patch on. u must b creative with the safety pins). on
the subject of jackets: it takes spikes, studs,
pyramids, and some patches on the jakcet makes an
Jesus fucking Christ! STOP! STOP! STOP! I feel like
I'm getting dumber just by reading this horse shit.
Who the hell do you think you are? It's like you live
your life by some stupid "PuNkRaWk tutorial". Fuck you
very much for the tips, cocksmoker. I'll make a mental
note to do just that (insert sarcasm here). Another
thing; How do you consider yourself to be an old
"skool" punk (or know what it takes to be one for that
matter) and not even like the Ramones? That's like
saying "I'm a Christian, but I don't believe in God".
"u no this is true."
I "no" this is true? You mean "know"? I'de pay any
amount of money right now just to knock the teeth out
of your mouth.
"u need to keep an open mind and not be so
sterotypical. being this way does get u friends very
well. and widen ur horizen. tR@e"
Are you from the planet Earth? Like me? "being that
way does get me friends very well"? Thanks again for
the tips, dipshit. I'll make a note of that. By the
way, you must be shithead # 7,698 to take that article
seriously. If your mom and dad got divorced, would
they still be brother and sister?
Not an angry rebuttal, but rather, a commentary...
Date: Sun, 28 Dec 2003
Subject: reply to the Ben Weasel article; "Punk Rock Dress Code" (i don't give a damn if u post it)
First off, i'm not writing this to bag on junebug, its 4:18 in the morning, so i'm really bored.
This Punk Rock Dress Code is a load of shit. In other words all you posing wannabe punks will probobly follow it, Enjoy!
Ramones are a very good punk band, but i like misfits better, but that is just my oppinion that none of u probly give a fuck about.
What the hell is up with the cockwipe tR@e? Why the hell do retarded fucks spell punk rock "punk rawk" its the most shittiest thing ever created. Those shitsmears out there who think they're punk because they write things with no vowels and the usage of numbers are idiots who are using up air that would serve donkeys better.
tR@e, i really hope you don't actually have the bitchy confidence to actually call urself punk. You've just lost every bit of respect i might ever have been able to have for you. What the hell do u mean u can put a patch on a joggers jacket and call themself punk. You are a fucking disgrace to any true punks left out there. You, who has the nerve to mention stereotypes, are an ignorant fuck who should die because you're a waste of food. How can you degrade us punks even more by saying we should widen our horizon? You need to learn a hell of a lot more about a true punk before your stereotyped ass can go and bag on something. I hate the stupid assholes with no life like you, you don't have shit on punks if you don't know shit about them. And The Ramones are an awesome band, don't say shit, you fucking ignorant poser.
Anyway, I agree fully that punk is no longer about creativity or a different style. Its now a bunch of dumbfucks (like tR@e) running around with kool-aid hair, studded belts, and yes, the hi-top converse calling themselves punk. Punk is beginning to be accepted by society and its killing the only bit of unique difference that true punks had left. Few people actually go home and work the hours it takes to be punk. Such as safety-pinning raggedy band shirts and patches and thinking up all these different creations for patched shirts and studded jackets and cut off pants. It makes me so fucking pissed when i spend an hour safety-pinning on a awesome misfits patch onto my jacket and see a blonde with a studded belt get called punk. Half of u wannabe bitches don't take any time to do shit.
Learn about everything it takes to be punk, like the clothes, music and attitude, before people like you say and do stupid shit that is a waste of space.
(all you angry fucks can give me an e-mail at email@example.com or if u really are punk then add me to your friend list)
Got another rebuttal on January 5th from 'Lil' Wyte Boy'.
I'm not sure if you have the page going still but here is my input:
Punk rock, not me, don't get me wrong here though. I like some older stuff such as New York Dolls and The Stooges, anyone who thinks Sex Pistols were innovative, check out the Stooges. Besides, Iggy Pop started cutting himself on stage before Sex Pistols formed. These were some innovators in punk from Detroit, I don't want to here another person say that the Ramones were the first punk band ever. Get out. Later kids, keep rocking and keep God first. (honestly)
A rebuttal from firstname.lastname@example.org, sent to me March 20th, 2004:
firstly, i don't understand, was Ben Weasel serious while writing it? or was he drunk? or was it he at all? say whatever you want, but it's an absolute fucking nonsence. official punk rock dress code :>> sounds simply ridiculous. and how can someone call other a dork, and then to write such shit like bagpacks "are aesthetically unpleasing"? i'm out of words. never liked bagpacks, but i think i'll start to wear one now. and it's just my fucking business what i have inside of it. next, "if you think you're a punk and you don't own a leather jacket, you're not a punk". unbelievable. where's the music, attitude, ideas, anything?? just a fucking rag decides are you punk or not. not bad... moreover, "Real punks wear real leather jackets WITHOUT stupid spikes or studs or patches or paintings or stickers or band names plastered all over them". what a fuck is this? so for example the members of The Casualties or The Exploited aren't "the real punks", right? interesting. and what is wrong with red Converses?? or green?? i just can't understand. the prices are the same for all of them, so what's the fucking difference which ones i own?? and if everyone starts wearing white Converses with "no writing on the shoes", won't it become "a SYMBOL of MAINSTREAM ALTERNATIVE/PUNK"? or Ben Weasel will give us another 3 months then?? and about Ramones on the end. the best punk band ever? so "Needles & Pins" maybe the best punk song ever?? well i like Ramones, but it's a pity in my opinion the best punk band is The Exploited. you can argue why not Sex Pistols. or The Partisans. or Menace. hmmm, i'm not a punk i think. i have four patches on my jacket too. and that damn bagpack :>> fuck this shit.
A rebuttal sent to me on March 16th 2004 by el jorge, FinalDrummer88@aol.com
what the hell is this shit about a specific "punk" dresscode, punk is a way of life, a state of mind, not a fucking fasion statement, i mean yeah i have all the studs and patches and shit, but im just like that, the patches are for me, advirtizing and letting the world know about some good fucking bands that need to be heard, i happen to think that studs look cool, i dont give a fuck if i meet a specific genre or not. why the fuck is it that only "real" punks have leather jackets? whatif a specific "punk" cannot afford one and instead uses a denim one(what i use). shit man i go to thrift shops because they are fucking cheap and easy to find shit at. im not tryin to bash the remones or anything but they really aren't as punk rock as one would think, they are good, but they are also a band that gets alot of attention from the kids tryin too hard to be "punk" (the sick, sad, godd charlotte douchefucks of america) look at bands like the casualties, those are some hardcore mother fuckers, and so is their music. all im tryin to say is not to worry so much about if you are "punk" enough, listen to the music and be yourself, dont listen to some faggot fasion whorego on about what is punk rock and what isnt.
A rebuttal sent to me on June 21st, 2005 by stubs, email@example.com
are all of you that responded fucking morons or just ate paint chips as kids? dont you know a joke when you fucking see one? christ my 11 year old sister could even tell it was a joke (and she is a little slow). and to all of you who take things such as this seriously, you need to find something constructive to do with your time such as watching german incest porn or raping small game animals. and to you cutesie fuckers who think its the "cool" thing to do to use verbal shortcuts (such as urself and u) suck my fuckin three inch cock. i wish you all the most horrible of STD's. that being the crabs because noone likes itchy balls. and to you twats who actually give a fuck about what you wear fucking lighten up. jesus christ its only clothes and if you deem someone punk by the way they dress then you are truly fucking moronic. punk is just something for pissed of poor kids with no musical talent whatsoever not these fucking suburban twats who ride in their parents minivans to an "awesome show". FUCK YOU! everyone of you needs to get the shit kicked out of you by some real heroin riddled fucking junkie punks. thanks for wasting your time reading this. and fuck you all
A reply sent to me on July 17th, 2005 by Amanda, firstname.lastname@example.org
Funny shit man. And to think people will actually take this seriously.
I wish people could just take a joke and get over their egos.
-Amanda, Punk Expert (haha)
Wow everyone, thanks for the input! If you have something to say about Ben Weasel and his Punk Rock Dress Code, feel free to email me a rebuttal, and I will post it here. Just remember to tell me whether or not to post your email address with your replies.
Do the 'punk' thing and send me some mail (ha!)...or don't. So put on your leather jacket and return to my place!