201: Caroline and the Younger Man
Written by Marco Pennette & Fred Barron
Directed by James Burrows
Mark Feuerstein as Joe DeStefano
Lauren Graham as Shelly
Jack Plotnick as Harris
Tia Riebling as Vicki
Jonathan Slavin as Dougie
John Del Regno as Super
Marius Mazmanian as Frenchman
Amy Lloyd as Customer
Xavier Mantalvo as Cop
Three months later...
[Scene: Caroline's apartment. Caroline, Annie and Vicki are there. Caroline is taking the box of thank you notes off a shelf, Annie is listening to Vicki's pregnant stomach, and Vicki is reading a book of baby names]
CAROLINE: [quietly, to herself] Here they are.
ANNIE: Oh, yeah. Thatís definitely a boy, I can hear him lying.
VICKI: Okay, the Rs. What about the name Raoul?
CAROLINE: Raoul Schwartzman. He'll get beat up in two countries.
VICKI: Caroline, are you sure I can have those thank you notes?
CAROLINE: Take them, please. By the time I get married, people won't be using paper any more.
VICKI: How 'bout Randall?
ANNIE: Oh, Randall's good. I dated a Randall, he was cute.
VICKI: I'm not going to name my son after guys you've dated.
CAROLINE: Then you better name him 'The Pope'.
VICKI: Oh, what about Reginald?
ANNIE: Sounds like a guy with bad teeth.
ANNIE: Sounds like a German Shepherd with bad teeth.
VICKI: How 'bout Richard?
CAROLINE: Sounds like an unreliable assistant.
ANNIE: With bad teeth.
VICKI: What ever happened to that guy Richard, anyway?
ANNIE: Up until a few months ago, I was still going with that Unabomber theory.
CAROLINE: I don't know, Vicki, he just...disappeared.
FRENCHMAN: Pardon, monsieur, est-ce que votre peinture est ŗ vendre?
RICHARD: I've been in this country three months, and I still have no idea what you Frenchies are saying. I'm just going to keep on smiling, while you stuff your fat, Nazi-collaborating face.
FRENCHMAN: You know, some of us Frenchies do speak English.
RICHARD: Oh. Well, I didn't mean Nazi-collaborator in a bad sense.
FRENCHMAN: [looking at one of the paintings] A disturbing vision. What is it called?
RICHARD: "Caroline In Love With Someone Else".
FRENCHMAN: And this one?
RICHARD: "Caroline Engaged To Someone Else".
FRENCHMAN: You are obsessed with this woman, no?
RICHARD: I guess if you want, you can read anything into a painting.
FRENCHMAN: Please allow me the privilege of buying your work.
RICHARD: You're kidding me, right?
FRENCHMAN: I am French. We have no sense of humour.
RICHARD: Don't toy with me, because I am out of money, and if something doesn't break here, I am going to have to go back to New York and get some meaningless job.
FRENCHMAN: Monsieur, I will offer you fifty thousand francs for this one, this one...and this one.
RICHARD: You're serious, then? You are actually serious? I'm am going to sell my paintings, and three of them! While you're not taking "Caroline Marrying Someone Else", which I personally think is the best of the lot, is your business, but still, I'm making my first sale! [he starts wrapping the paintings up; the man walks over to look at the paintings near the edge of the bridge] This is so thrilling, I am going to get to live in Paris like I always dreamed of! You know, sir, I am going to remember you 'til the day I die. [someone on a bicycle rides past them and knocks the man off the bridge] You are like a guardian angel. [he turns around and sees the man is gone] Hello?
RICHARD: Excuse me, I'm here about the apartment in the paper.
SUPER: I didn't advertise.
RICHARD: No, here. [he holds up a newspaper] 'Mob style hit claims two in Avenue C tenant building.' [he looks at the chalk outline] I assume this is the place.
SUPER: Five hundred a month, and the chalk outline you clean up yourself.
RICHARD: Okay, yes, I will take it.
SUPER: Not so fast. I'll need first and last months' rent.
RICHARD: Well, I only have first month's rent. See, I just got back to New York, but I'm looking for work. [he walks into the bathroom and notices something on the floor] Oh! Oh, here's the other one.
SUPER: No money, no job. I might as well keep renting to him.
RICHARD: Look, I've been searching for days! I need this place! Okay, you give me twenty-four hours, and then I will get a job. [he looks at the chalk outline] Where did he work?
CAROLINE: Thanks, Charlie. Oh, and another thing: just run this ad down to the "Voice" classifieds, please. [she gives him a piece of paper]
CHARLIE: Okay. [he reads it] Ooh! Youíre looking for a new assistant? Where's Richard?
CAROLINE: He's been gone for three months.
CHARLIE: Really? Which three? Caroline, if you're looking for a new guy, give me a shot. I'm trustworthy, loyal, helpful-
CAROLINE: What about your job with Del?
CHARLIE: Screw Del! He's holding me back! [he starts making coffee] Picture it - you come downstairs in the morning, I've got your coffee ready for you, just like you like it. Black, waaay too much sugar. Ow, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! [he puts it down hurriedly on the desk in front of Caroline] I can fax and sharpen pencils at the same time. [he does so]
CAROLINE: That's the shredder.
CHARLIE: I can shred too. And Caroline, let's face it, I'm discreet. Which is important, because, well, we'll be working out of your apartment, and we're bound to see each other naked once in a while, which I'm cool with if you are. So, when do I start? [he sits down and pushes the chair back, knocking Salty out the window; Caroline screams and runs over the window]
CAROLINE: [in a soppy voice] It's okay, pumpkin. I know you're not hurt, but what kind of mommy would I be if I didn't take care of my little doodlebug? [she gets a weird look in her face as she realises what she's saying] Man, I better get some kids fast!
JOE: [calling outside] Okay, I think it went into room two. Let me know when you catch it. [he slams the door] Hello. I'm Dr DeStefano.
CAROLINE: Hi. Caroline Duffy.
JOE: So who's this little guy?
CAROLINE: Salty. Um, if you don't mind me asking, what has to be caught in room two?
JOE: A tarantula. I know, I know, there are people who say, 'How can a vet be afraid of a spider?' and I say to those people, 'You find it!' [to Salty] We're going to make sure you're okay, little guy.
CAROLINE: Actually, she's a little girl.
JOE: Boy, you miss one day of vet school... [quietly, to Salty] Hello, pookie dookie.
CAROLINE: Excuse me, but aren't you a little young to be a doctor?
JOE: Yeah, but I'm a little old to be using words like 'pookie dookie', so it all balances out.
[Joe picks Salty up and walks towards the door]
JOE: Now, let's give Salty here an x-ray.
CAROLINE: Does she really need one?
JOE: No, I just like pushing the button and running out of the room.
[they smile at each other]
DOUGIE: [from behind the counter] Welcome to I Scream You Scream, can I help you?
RICHARD: Yes, I'm here about the job.
DOUGIE: Okay, it's four twenty-five an hour, and can you work after school?
RICHARD: I don't go to school.
DOUGIE: Cool, you can open!
RICHARD: I don't think so. [he exits]
[cuts to several shots of Richard getting employment agency doors slammed in his face]
[cut back to I Scream You Scream. Richard is standing behind the counter with Dougie, putting on a cap with a fake ice cream cone on the front of it]
RICHARD: [to a customer] Welcome to I Scream You Scream, may I help you?
ANNIE: The vet asked you out? Score!
CAROLINE: Isn't that violating some doctor-patient thing?
ANNIE: No, only if he sleeps with your cat! Go for it!
[they hear the toilet flush]
CAROLINE: Do burglars use your bathroom?
ANNIE: They might, but they don't flush.
[Del comes out of the bathroom; Caroline and Annie stare at him]
DEL: What? I put the seat down, if that's what that look is about.
CAROLINE: Del, when I said you could use my key, it was for emergencies like 911, not 'The bathroom at Starbucks is busy'.
DEL: If you've got that attitude about it, I won't stay and make myself lunch.
ANNIE: [to Caroline] So, are you going to go out with him?
CAROLINE: No way, he's too young.
DEL: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who can't you go out with 'cause he's too young?
CAROLINE: Nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody...
ANNIE: Caroline's vet asked her out.
DEL: On a date?
ANNIE: No, to see if she had fleas! Of course on a date!
DEL: Um, excuse me, but we were supposed to get married like three months ago. Haven't you heard of a little thing called a mourning period?
CAROLINE: This from the man who slept with the caterer the day he went to cancel the wedding cake.
DEL: Got the deposit back, didn't I?
ANNIE: Del Cassidy, the other white meat. Caroline, you have got to go out with Doctor Joe!
CAROLINE: Annie, he's like twenty-four!
DEL: Whoa, we're talking, what, a six year age difference here! When you're forty-three, this guy's going to be... [he looks confused] When you're forty-six, he'll be forty.
ANNIE: Caroline, what are you waiting for? Go for it! [she holds out the phone]
CAROLINE: Annie, your twenties are all about bad relationships. I'm thirty, I don't want anyone practising on me.
DEL: Annie, will you lay off? Caroline doesn't need to see anybody. She's got a nice apartment, she's got a cat. She's set!
[Annie offers Caroline the phone again; Caroline takes it]
[Joe hangs up]
JOE: Hey. I was starting to think you might not show.
CAROLINE: Oh, you know the over-thirty crowd. Got to move slow, don't want to break a hip.
JOE: Listen, Caroline, a slight emergency came up. Do you mind if we make one quick stop before dinner?
CAROLINE: Oh, you know what? We could do this some other time.
JOE: No, come on. The evening's young. [he starts walking away]
CAROLINE: And so are you. [she follows him]
JOE: Okay, I gave him a tranquilliser. I think he'll be okay to travel.
CAROLINE: So, why are you guys tranquillising your monkey anyway?
HARRIS: One - he's not a monkey, he's a Tanzania chimpanzee; and two - he's not ours. People don't own animals, or haven't you heard, Miss Leather Jacket?
JOE: Harris, do you mind? I'm technically on a date here, and you're kind of blowing the mood.
CAROLINE: So, you guys are stealing these animals, huh?
HARRIS: Not stealing, liberating!
JOE: And then you and I are going to this great Thai restaurant. [he exits, carrying two cages full of bunnies]
CAROLINE: You know, I'm just curious. When we go to jail - and I know we will - we he be tried as an adult?
HARRIS: He's twenty-three.
CAROLINE: [with a pained expression] Oh my god!
HARRIS: [mocking] Can I get you a shawl?
JOE: Come on, Harris, let's get the cages out before cops get here.
CAROLINE: Cops - now there's where it sounds like a crime to me.
JOE: You are so funny! [to Harris] Isn't she funny? [Harris gives a fake laugh] Listen, Caroline, could you keep Eddie company? [he points to the monkey]
CAROLINE: What do you want me to do?
JOE: Hold his hand.
CAROLINE: Okay. [she does so]
JOE: That's his foot.
CAROLINE: I knew that. [she holds Eddie's hand] So Eddie, you got a girl waiting for you on the outside?
HARRIS: [whining] She's talking down to him!
[they exit with several more cages]
CAROLINE: You want to go for a walk? Come here, Eddie. Come on, let's go far a walk, eh? [she helps him off the table and they start walking around the room] Gee, what a great night. Alone in the moonlight, hand in hand with a monkey. Kind of reminds me of my first date with Del. You never met him, but I was going to get married and we backed out at the last minute- [she sees the beam of a flashlight from outside in the hallway] Oh my god! [they hide behind the table. Shelly enters; Caroline pokes her head over the tabletop] Shelly?
SHELLY: Caroline's head! [Caroline stands up] Oh, Caroline! Well, it is a lab. You never know. What are you doing here?
CAROLINE: Well, I'm kind of here on a date.
SHELLY: [looking at Eddie] Let me guess - you met on the internet. [she climbs up on a bench and looks out the window]
CAROLINE: What are you doing here?
SHELLY: I'm the lookout. I used to lick envelopes, but I got promoted. [she puts her hand to her forehead as if shielding her eyes from the sun, and stares out the window]
CAROLINE: Can you see anything?
SHELLY: No, but I look like I can. Do you ever see Richard? Whom I'm over. Does he ever mention me?
CAROLINE: I don't know, I haven't seen him in months. He just disappeared.
SHELLY: Oh man, another alien abduction! Why won't those people leave us alone? You know what I always thought?
CAROLINE: I can't even begin to imagine.
SHELLY: I always thought that Richard had a thing for you.
CAROLINE: Really? Well, you were wrong.
JOE: Shelly, you're supposed to be the lookout.
SHELLY: Oh, darn, they're going to make me lick envelopes again!
[Harris enters and picks Eddie up]
HARRIS: Come on, Eddie. Don't even look at her jacket, it's no-one you knew. [he exits]
SHELLY: Well Caroline, if you ever see Richard again, say hi. I mean, from me.
CAROLINE: I don't think I'm ever going to see him again, Shelly.
SHELLY: Well, if you do.
CAROLINE: I will.
JOE: So, how's this for a first date?
CAROLINE: Well, breaking and entering isn't exactly dinner and a movie, but...
JOE: I'm sorry to drag you into this.
CAROLINE: No, it's really kind of exciting.
[they lean in to kiss, but then a cop bursts in]
COP: Okay, freeze! You're under arrest!
SHELLY: The cops are here!
RICHARD: Welcome to I Scream You Scream, may I help you?
WOMAN: Yeah, can I have a Magilla Gorilla Banana Spilt Supreme?
RICHARD: It's my first day. You can have a cone, or water.
DOUGIE: Oh, man. Your people skills suck! Alright, why don't you go clean Mr Juicy. Oh, and remember - don't try to lick the blades until after they've come to a complete stop.
RICHARD: You know, that's why you're wearing the brown cone and I'm still wearing the green.
CAROLINE: I cannot believe this night! I mean, I was actually in jail! I've never even been to an x-rated movie theatre before.
JOE: Well, that's tomorrow night.
CAROLINE: Oh! I better get home.
JOE: No, come on! I never even got to take you to dinner.
CAROLINE: Well, you know, they had a vending machine on the women's side. I had Cheetos.
JOE: At least let me buy you dessert.
[cut to I Scream You Scream. Richard is cleaning the juice machine. He presses a button on it and it starts squirting juice all over his face. He starts hitting it with a cloth to try and stop it, and finally it blows a fuse and falls silent]
DOUGIE: What'd you do?
DOUGIE: You broke Mr Juicy!
RICHARD: Then why did you ask?
DOUGIE: I'm going to have to write this up, you know. And do you know what I'm going to have to say?
RICHARD: That I broke Mr Juicy?
DOUGIE: Yeah! [as if telling off a child] Now, you go get a mop, replace the fuse you blew, and think about what you did! [Richard goes into the back room just before Caroline and Joe enter] Hi. Welcome to I Scream You Scream, can I help you?
CAROLINE: Um, I'll have a scoop of Last Mango in Paris.
JOE: And I'll have Papaya the Sailor Man in a cup.
DOUGIE: Oh, man. You know, I think we're out of that. Hang on, I've got another tub in back. [calling to Richard] Yo, new guy! You done with that fuse yet? [there is a sound of electrics shorting out, then all the lights go out] Oh, man. What a hose-head. I'll be right back. [to Richard] Hey, don't touch anything! God, I can't believe your generation beat the Germans! [he exits]
CAROLINE: Listen, Joe-
JOE: You know, I'd like to see you again. Actually, I'd like to see you now, but...
CAROLINE: You know, I-
JOE: Wait, come over here. [he walks behind the counter; Caroline sighs and follows him]
CAROLINE: Look, you're really sweet, and you seem to... [he gets a spoon and starts feeding her ice cream] ...be really passionate, and care about things.
JOE: I care about you.
CAROLINE: Look, I'm not looking for anything romantic right now. I was supposed to get married three months ago, and I backed out...and, you know what? I'm more of a mess than you think I am.
JOE: Okay, fair enough. [he holds up another spoonful of ice cream for her; she leans in close to eat it but they start kissing instead. The lights come on again]
CAROLINE: [looking up at the lights] Wow.
JOE: So, you want to go to dinner?
CAROLINE: Okay, but only dinner.
JOE: Okay. I know a place where they have this incredible clam chowder.
JOE: Boston. [he grabs her hand and pulls her out the door]
CAROLINE: But the judge said we weren't supposed to leave the state!
[they exit; Richard and Dougie enter from the back room]
RICHARD: What do you mean? There's nobody out here.
DOUGIE: Oh man, they probably just came in to steal the napkins! I hate that, I hate that, I hate that! [he gets a can of whipped cream and starts squirting it into his mouth]
[cut to Annie's bedroom. Annie wakes up and answers the phone]
CAROLINE: [whispers] Annie, it's me.
ANNIE: [groggy] 'Kay, I'll be right over. [she hangs up]
CAROLINE: Don't! Annie! No! [she hangs up and dials again]
[cut to Caroline's apartment. The phone is ringing. Annie enters]
ANNIE: Caroline? Caroline! [she answers the phone] Hello?
CAROLINE: I'm not there.
[Annie looks around, confused]
ANNIE: W-where are you?
CAROLINE: At Joe's.
ANNIE: Oh, oh! Oh my god! So you spent the night with that guy...and I spent the night alone. Thatís like Freaky Friday.
CAROLINE: Annie, I'll tell you all about it later. Look, I've got a problem - he's sleeping on my skirt and I can't get him to move ... Really? ... Okay. [she puts the phone down, grabs a pillow from the bed and puts it on Joe's other side. He rolls over to hug it; she grabs her skirt out from under him and walks over to pick up the phone again] Wow, you should write a book! [she puts the skirt on] Now help me with this - do I just leave, or do I leave him a note?
ANNIE: Wait a minute, don't you want to see him again?
CAROLINE: No. He's twenty-three. Every time he touches my arm, I have to tense up so he thinks I have muscle tone.
[Joe wakes up; Caroline hangs up the phone]
[cut to Carolineís apartment]
ANNIE: That's going to cost her some food. [she hangs up the phone and walks over to the fridge]
[cut to Joe's bedroom]
JOE: Listen, Caroline, last night was really...wow! You know, I'm the kind of guy that can tell within the first two minutes if a relationship's going somewhere or not.
CAROLINE: Oh really? 'Cause usually I have to live with the guy for three months and loan him lots of money before I know.
JOE: So, listen, I have tickets for the Yankees tonight. What do you say?
CAROLINE: Joe, I don't know.
JOE: Come on, you said you like baseball. I have seats on the third base line.
CAROLINE: You're making it hard for me to say no.
JOE: Then my plan is working.
JOE: Okay. I'll call you later.
CAROLINE: Okay, bye. [she exits; Joe picks up a newspaper]
JOE: Man, I hope it's still baseball season!
CAROLINE: Taxi! [she turns around and sees Richard] Richard?
RICHARD: [quietly] Caroline!
[they stare at each other for a moment, then simultaneously drop the bag and flowers]