301: Caroline and the Reception
Written by Michael Sardo
Directed by James Burrows
John Mariano as Johnny
Cindy Ambuehl as Kristin
Terry Rhoads as Chauffeur
CAROLINE: Del? It's me, Caroline. Pick up the phone, Del. [she looks at the clock on the microwave] Look, I'm sorry to call you at two-oh-eight in the morning, but it's really important. [pause] Okay, I guess you're sleeping, which is really too bad, because uh, these two Swedish models just moved in upstairs, and-
DEL: [on phone] Hello? Caroline, I was sleeping, [he does a fake yawn] and I didn't hear your call.
CAROLINE: Look Del, four hours ago I left a message on Richard's answering machine telling him I thought we could be more than friends, and if he didn't feel the same way he shouldn't call back-
DEL: Yeah yeah, Caroline, Caroline, hold it. Just slow down. Let's start from the beginning, okay? Now, these Swedish models, are they sisters?
[Caroline looks exasperated]
CAROLINE: Annie! [they hug] Oh my god! Thought you were supposed to be in LA!
ANNIE: Yeah, tell me about it. I just had the worst, most humiliating experience of my life. [she unlocks her door and throws her bag inside] MA, I'M BACK! First, I got fired from the TV show.
[they go into Caroline's apartment, Annie with a ring of keys still in her hand]
ANNIE: Then they kicked me out of my suite at the Beverly Hills Hotel. And to top it off, all my little shampoos exploded on the plane. In coach.
CAROLINE: I left a message on Richard's answering machine telling him I loved him and he didn't call back.
[Annie looks shocked]
ANNIE: Ohhh my god. You go first next time.
[Del enters and stands in the doorway]
DEL: Caroline, I got here as fast as I could.
CAROLINE: Oh, well, come on in.
DEL: Okay, just remember I dropped everything to be here for you. I'm a good guy, sometimes I just do bad things. [he walks through the door with a bimbo in tow]
CAROLINE: You brought a date to my crisis?
[Del and Kristin hold up their hands to show they're handcuffed together]
KRISTIN: [sheepish] Hi, I'm Kristin.
DEL: Yeah, we lost the key.
ANNIE: Well, not to worry. [she walks over to them, looking through her keys as she goes, then examines the handcuffs] Ah, Federated One-forties! Way to go, sport, you spent some money! [she picks a key and unlocks them; Caroline gives her a look] What? I dated a locksmith. [to Del and Kristin] Vitamin E oil will take care of those wrists.
[the oven timer dings]
CAROLINE: Oh good, my casserole. [she walks over and starts to get it out of the oven]
DEL: Hey, casserole! [to Kristin] Have a seat. It may be something with oysters in it.
ANNIE: You're baking at three AM?
CAROLINE: I'm hurting. It's what my people do.
CAROLINE: You know, you guys aren't helping.
DEL: Okay, how 'bout this: he never got your message because the tape in his answering machine broke.
ANNIE: Uh, burglars stole his answering machine.
KRISTIN: Ooh, I've got one! Maybe he wants to surprise you. I mean, who wants to call someone on the phone to tell her they love her too? He probably wants to show up here this morning in a limousine with a dozen roses.
CAROLINE: That's not bad.
ANNIE: Yeah, you know, Richard's not a phone guy.
CAROLINE: That's true.
DEL: Maybe he stayed up all night painting you one of those paintings of his. Nothing says 'I love you' like a big splotch of black on a canvas.
[someone can be heard outside the door]
CAROLINE: Oh my god, it's him! Oh my god!
[Richard enters; everyone tries to look nonchalant]
CAROLINE: [brightly] Richard!
RICHARD: [dubious] Correct. You may now move on to the Lightning Round.
CAROLINE: That's funny! [she keeps laughing, then glares at the others and whispers to them] That's funny!
ANNIE: Well, maybe we should take off so you guys can talk, while we uh...leave.
[they get up and walk towards the door]
DEL: Oh, by the way, stay away from the angel food cake. Just a bit too much Tobasco in it.
RICHARD: Sorry I'm a little late, I uh...I had a long night.
CAROLINE: [nervous] That's okay.
RICHARD: Caroline, there's something I have to tell you.
CAROLINE: Really? [stammering] Go...go...go ahead.
[Richard sighs nervously]
RICHARD: I don't know why this is so hard to say. It's just three little words.
CAROLINE: [smiling] Uh-huh?
[he turns to face her; they stare at each other for a moment]
RICHARD: I got married.
[the smile fades from Caroline's face]
CAROLINE: [quietly] You what?!
RICHARD: Last night, Julia and I drove to Maryland, and...we got married.
[Annie, Del and Kristin burst through the door]
KRISTIN: See? I knew he'd do something romantic! Congratulations!
RICHARD: Thank you. That means a lot coming from you. And you are?
DEL: Wait a minute, wait a minute. How could you get married? Didn't you get Caroline's message?
RICHARD: What message?
ANNIE: You didn't get the message.
RICHARD: What message?
DEL: I can't believe you didn't get the message.
RICHARD: [annoyed] What message? [he turns to Caroline]
CAROLINE: That...I...was out of liquid paper, and I wanted you to pick some up! But that's okay, who wants to pick up liquid paper on their wedding day? Richard, married, I am so happy for you. It's really great. [she hugs him] Annie, let's go find a store that sells wedding presents and liquid paper, okay? [she drags Annie towards the door] Bye! [they go out into the hall; Caroline walks across and leans her head against the elevator door] Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god... [she straightens up and presses the button on the elevator]
ANNIE: [incredulously] He got married!
CAROLINE: No no no, we can't even go there. We just have to get to Richard's house and erase my message, okay?
[the elevator door opens; Caroline walks in]
ANNIE: Okay, got it. [she opens the door to her apartment] MA, I'M GOING! [she joins Caroline]
[cut to the apartment]
RICHARD: Uh, Del, can I talk to you about something? Alone?
KRISTIN: Oh, hey, yeah. [she kisses Del] You guys just do your thing, I've got to run anyway. Del, call me at work.
DEL: You got it.
RICHARD: You have no idea where she works, do you?
DEL: None whatsoever. So, married. Wow!
RICHARD: Del, I think I may have made a big mistake.
DEL: Well um, why do you say that? Is there someone else? [he walks over to the caricature of Caroline on the wall and leans on it none-too-subtly]
RICHARD: No, of course not! I mean, who else would there be?
DEL: Well, I don't know, I don't know. You travel a lot, uptown, downtown, all around the town.
RICHARD: Save the big musical number 'til after I've had my coffee.
DEL: So what are you saying, that you don't love her?
RICHARD: No! No, of course I love her! Come on, Julia is amazing, and she's this wild, spontaneous woman with an insatiable appetite for living. Del, when I'm with her she makes the impossible seem possible.
DEL: So, what's going on?
RICHARD: Well, I'm just afraid it's not going to last.
DEL: The sex?
RICHARD: The marriage, you melonhead.
DEL: Look man, everybody feels insecure in the beginning.
RICHARD: Del, you don't understand. Alright, look, this is the pattern, okay? Julia and I get together, [Del grabs a notepad from the counter and starts writing] things are great, then her father shows up and makes her choose between me and her trust fund, and I always lose! You're not actually writing that down.
DEL: Huh? Oh no, I just remembered where she works.
ANNIE: Ah, the honeymoon suite.
[Caroline presses a button on the answering machine]
MACHINE: You have six messages.
ANNIE: Alright, erase them and let's get out of here.
CAROLINE: But only one of them's mine.
ANNIE: Then listen to them all until you find it. [she picks up some letters from the table and looks at them]
CAROLINE: I can't do that, they're personal!
ANNIE: Yeah, well, so's his mail, but here I am.
CAROLINE: Maybe if I just listen to the beginning, and then I-
[Annie presses a button]
MACHINE: Messages erased.
ANNIE: Let's go!
[they walk towards the door; Julia enters]
CAROLINE: Come on in! Annie, Julia, Julia, Annie.
ANNIE: Hi! Wow, you married Richard? You are gorgeous! [Caroline turns and glares at her] [quietly] In a cheap sort of way.
JULIA: What are you doing here?
CAROLINE: Uh, well, we heard that you and Richard had tied the not, and we wanted to get you a wedding present, so, uh, we broke in to see what you needed.
CAROLINE: And look, there's no bread maker! We'll be back. Annie, let's go.
[they walk towards the door]
JULIA: Caroline, I erased the message.
CAROLINE: Message? What message?
JULIA: [slightly unfriendly] The message in which you expressed your love for my husband.
CAROLINE: Oh, that message! Oh right, right.
JULIA: Oh, don't worry. Richard did not hear it. I knew how um, humiliating it would have been for you, especially on our wedding day, so I erased it. [she smiles] I thought I was doing you a favour! Ah, but your little brow, she is furrowed.
CAROLINE: [trying to stop frowning] No no, my little brow, she just does that.
JULIA: [smiling again] Oh good! I was so afraid that you would be jealous.
CAROLINE: [laughing] Oh! Annie, I'm not jealous!
ANNIE: [not playing along] Duh!
JULIA: Because it would be okay, if-
CAROLINE: [scoffing] I am...you know what? I am going to show you how so not jealous I really am. I'm going to throw you and Richard a wedding reception. [Annie's eyes bug out and she drops her keys] Yes Annie, a big old I-am-so-not-jealous wedding reception at my house at eight o'clock tomorrow night. [she walks towards the door, passing Annie] Annie, close your mouth. It's very unattractive.
ANNIE: Oh my god! This place looks gorgeous!
CAROLINE: [brightly] Imagine what it would look like if I didn't hate her.
ANNIE: I don't know how you're doing this.
CAROLINE: [brightly] I'm putting on a happy face. [she grins; Annie looks scared] I'm taking the high road. It's just three hours out of my life, and, oh yes, I'm drinking straight vodka. [she picks up a tall glass with a straw in it]
ANNIE: Well, you're putting on a good front.
CAROLINE: [brightly] Twenty years of watching my parents suppress every emotion is finally paying off. [knock at door] Is that the door?
[Annie opens the door whilst giving Caroline a weird look. Charlie is there, with a video camera]
CHARLIE: [pointing the camera at Annie] And this is Caroline's friend Annie. Always a bridesmaid.
ANNIE: I am not a bridesmaid.
CHARLIE: Ooh, not even a bridesmaid.
[Remo and Johnny enter carrying several trays of food]
REMO: Hey, food here!
JOHNNY: Now we got a party!
ANNIE: Wow, looks like an awful lot of food for six people.
REMO: Six? [to Johnny] You told me sixty.
JOHNNY: I said sixteen.
REMO: That's wrong too.
JOHNNY: It's closer than sixty!
CAROLINE: [brightly] I think you two are doing a wonderful job. It's going to be a fantastic evening!
[knock at door]
ANNIE: [to Remo, who is looking dubiously at Caroline] Welcome to the Valley of the Dolls.
[Caroline opens the door; Del and Kristin are there]
CAROLINE: [brightly] Kristin! Del!
KRISTIN: Hi. I've been thinking about you all day. You really got shafted!
CAROLINE: [brightly] I'm so glad you came!
CHARLIE: [looking out the window through the camera] Hey, the Karinskys are here. [Caroline walks into the bathroom, slurping the last of her vodka through the straw] Oh, I see the groom. Nice suit. I see the bride. Whoa, cleavage! Zooming in! Zooming in!
DEL: You know, I don't think she's okay. I better check on her.
ANNIE: [blocking Del's way] Nah, I'll do it.
DEL: No Annie, I think I should go.
ANNIE: I am her best friend, Del!
DEL: Yeah well, when you were in LA, I was her best friend. I'm the one she called.
ANNIE: You know what, Del? You're right.
DEL: I'm a good friend.
ANNIE: You're a good friend.
DEL: Alright, thanks.
ANNIE: [taking him aside] And I didn't want to mention this, but I want to be a good friend to you.
DEL: What do you mean?
ANNIE: Your little buddy Kristin over there? We used to be in acting class together.
DEL: Wow, she never told me she was an actress!
ANNIE: Well, she wasn't really. When she was in my acting class, she was a man. Anyhoo, you better go on in and check on Caroline. [Kristin walks up behind them carrying a tray in each hand] Hey Jim. [she walks away]
KRISTIN: I like her, she's kooky.
DEL: [reaching for a tray] Here, let me help you with that.
KRISTIN: No, that's okay. I've got big hands. [she puts the trays down on the coffee table]
DEL: Yeah, I never noticed that before...
KRISTIN: Aren't they great? My dad owned a ranch. I used to punch cows. [she makes a branding motion] But that was the old me.
[cut to downstairs. Richard and Julia are getting into the elevator.]
JULIA: You know what this reminds me of? When we made love in the elevator in Rome. [pause] And the escalator in Milano.
RICHARD: And the refrigerator box on Canal Street. [he kisses her passionately]
[cut to Caroline's bathroom. Caroline is there, fixing her make-up. Annie knocks on the door, then enters.]
ANNIE: Caroline, you said you'd be right out.
CAROLINE: I'm just freshening up.
[Annie looks at Caroline in the mirror]
ANNIE: You are past freshening up and speeding right towards Carol Channing.
[Caroline looks at herself, then sinks into a chair]
CAROLINE: [without her happy voice] Annie, what am I going to do?
ANNIE: It's okay, honey, it's okay. Let me get some tissues, and a small chisel.
[they start removing the make-up]
CAROLINE: [on the verge of tears] He got married, Annie. I can't believe he got married.
ANNIE: But he did.
CAROLINE: I know. [she sobs] I can't go out there and face the two of them together.
ANNIE: Oh honey, you'll be fine. You just say hi to them, hold yourself up straight, and get lost in the crowd.
CAROLINE: There's five people out there.
ANNIE: Stand behind Del's date. She's a moose.
DEL: Charlie, do you think Kristin's feminine?
CHARLIE: What are you talking about? Of course!
[cut to the other side of the room. Kristin lifts up one end of the couch with a groan; Johnny picks up something from underneath it.]
KRISTIN: You got it? [she puts it down]
[cut back to Del and Charlie]
CHARLIE: Well, not just then.
[knock at door; Annie answers it. Richard and Julia are there. Richard's fly is undone.]
RICHARD: Ah, hello Annie.
ANNIE: Hello Richard. Mrs Richard. [she looks down at him] Little Richard. You might want to zip up.
[Richard quickly turns around and does so]
RICHARD: Uh, sorry we're late.
JULIA: We were making love in the elevator.
RICHARD: No no no no no, we were...
RICHARD: I got nothing. Uh, where's Caroline?
KRISTIN: Oh, here she is! Right behind me!
[Caroline steps out and waves]
CHARLIE: Okay, the hostess is back, we're all here, I'd like to make a toast. So, who thought it was going to be Caroline and Richard up there? [awkward pause] Just me, huh?
CAROLINE: That was a great toast. Remind me to thank you later in my own special way. [she walks away]
CHARLIE: [to Del] Did you hear that? You always get lucky at weddings.
KRISTIN: [to Del] So, you dated that little slip of a thing? That couldn't have been much fun, huh? [she playfully elbows him in the ribs]
CHARLIE: Okay, let's get going then. The hostess with the mostest, toast us!
CAROLINE: No no no no no...
CHARLIE: No, come on, say a few words.
CAROLINE: Um...we all spend a lot of time and energy looking for that one person in the world who could make us whole. And when you do, you should do exactly what you two have done, and seize the moment. Congratulations, Richard and Julia. We should all be so lucky.
RICHARD: [raising his glass] Thank you.
ALL: [toasting] Sincere amore.
CHARLIE: [holding up the camera] Oh no, that was so beautiful, I forgot to tape it. Do it again. Could you do it again?
CAROLINE: Never in a million years.
CHARLIE: Alright, let's get this party hopping! Time for dancing! [he picks up a mike attached to a karaoke machine; tacky music starts to play] Let's get all the single gals! [Annie cuts the microphone cord with a pair of scissors] Single gals sit this one out!
KRISTIN: [to Del] Let's dance.
DEL: No, I'm not much of a dancer.
KRISTIN: Oh, come on! I'll lead.
[Del grimaces and steps away]
[knock at door; Annie gets it. A chauffeur is there.]
CHAUFFEUR: I'm looking for Julia Mazone.
ANNIE: [to Julia] Julia Mazone.
JULIA: That's Julia Karinsky.
CHAUFFEUR: Your father would like to see you downstairs.
RICHARD: Your father? What's he doing here?
JULIA: He's on his way to the airport. He probably stopped to say goodbye. [she exits; Richard follows her]
[cut to the hallway]
RICHARD: Julia, please don't go, okay? You've said everything you need to say to him on the phone.
JULIA: Richard, don't worry. I'm just going to say goodbye.
RICHARD: Okay, fine, I'll go with you then. I don't care if he hates me.
JULIA: He doesn't hate you!
CHAUFFEUR: Yeah he does.
RICHARD: You know what, she's not going, okay? Not this time.
JULIA: I'm sorry, Richard, but he's my father. [she steps into the elevator with the chauffeur. Richard stares disbelievingly at her; she kisses him, then exits. Richard puts his hand up to the elevator door after it closes.]
RICHARD: I love you. [he goes back into the apartment]
[cut to the apartment. Everyone stops leaning forward to look out the door, and tries to act nonchalant.]
RICHARD: Thanks for the reception. I think I'll be going home now.
CAROLINE: Richard, what's going on?
RICHARD: It's over. Julia's gone back to Italy with her father and her trust fund.
KRISTIN: No, I think everything's going to turn out just fine!
RICHARD: I still don't know you!
CHARLIE: [from the window] Hey, I got a great shot of the limo pulling away. [he shakes the camera around in his hand] Very "NYPD Blue".
[Richard exits; Caroline follows him]
[cut to the hallway]
CAROLINE: Richard, you're going to be okay. Trust me, I've been there.
CAROLINE: [quietly] Just...before. It doesn't matter.
RICHARD: [whispers] Thanks.
[they hug. The elevator opens, Julia is there]
JULIA: Ah, Caroline. Thanks for keeping him warm.
[Richard breaks away from Caroline and turns to Julia]
RICHARD: You came back.
JULIA: I told you not to worry. My father made me choose; I chose my husband.
[they kiss, then go back into the apartment hand in hand]
CHARLIE: [from inside] Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr and Mrs Richard Karinsky.
[everyone applauds; Caroline walks to the doorway and looks inside. Annie enters.]
ANNIE: How're you doing?
CAROLINE: I'm okay.
ANNIE: I give it six weeks.
CAROLINE: No. They're really in love.
ANNIE: No, until Del figures out she's not really a man.
[they both smile and go back into the apartment]