Rules To Be a Man

3. Play with yourself. Talk about it.

4. You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isn't your fault.

5. Lie.

6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need it - don't ask. People will
think you have no penis.

7. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

8. If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only
monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

9. Lie.

10. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

12. Deny Everything. Everything.

13. Don't have a clue.

15. Tell this to a girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't
have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."

16. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything,
either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.

17. Lie.

18. Do not make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a
corner and must make a decision, stall. if you still must come up with an
answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape.

Example:
Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"

Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce in an hour."

19. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you
don't know.

20. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.

21. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

22. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.

23. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

24. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry
about anyway?

25. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.

26. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

27. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a
parking spot right near the front door opens up. If this takes hours, so be
it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.

28. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the
girl how many dorms you've been laid in.

29. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was
such a pimp back then."

30. The best sex position is you, lying face up...and 20 girls on top.

31. Practice your blank stare.

32. If you're ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like
rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times.
You won't be asked to do it again.

33. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try
you manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what
you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and
continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes
in to do it for you yet, finish the job in the most half-assed way you
possibly can and then say, "See?? I told you I couldn't do it." Eventually
people will stop asking you to do things.

34. Don't listen to "pussy" or "chick" music like Erasure, Color Me Badd,
Sinead O'Cooner, Journey, Harry Connick Jr., or oldies.

35. Make dates with girls, then don't show up, just to see how long they
will wait for you. Later, tell them something vague like, "something came up."

36. Lie.

37. When a woman is right and you are wrong, just acknowledge the fact that she
has penis envy.@