||Memorable Quotes from...
Memorable Quotes from Fawlty Towers
Memorable Quotes from Clerks
Memorable Quotes from Pulp Fiction
Memorable Quotes from Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Memorable Quotes from Terms of Endearment
Memorable Quotes from From Dusk Till Dawn
[Basil finds someone going through the food in the kitchen.]
Basil Fawlty: Sybil, may I introduce the gentleman who's just opened the self-service department here. Mr...?
Mr. Carnegie: Carnegie.
Basil Fawlty: Mr. Carnegie, the scavenger gourmet from...?
Mr. Carnegie: The Public Health department.
[Manuel wants to keep his pet rat.]
Manuel: Mrs. Fawlty, please understand. If he go, I go!
Basil Fawlty: Well, goodbye!
[Sybil suggests a way to get rid of Manuel's rat.]
Sybil Fawlty: Perhaps it would be simplest to have him put to s-l-e-e-p.
Basil Fawlty: Who? Him or the rat? I could get a discount if we get them both done.
[Two guests are speaking to Basil in German.]
Basil: Oh, German. I'm sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you.
Basil: Polly, what's that smell?
Polly: Flowers, I just got them from the garden.
Basil: Well, what are you stinking the place up with those for? What's happened to the plastic ones?
Polly: Being ironed.
Basil Fawlty: You'll have to forgive him. He's from Barcelona.
Mr. Hutchinson: How do you do?
Polly Sherman: How do you do?
Mr. Hutchinson: Wait a minute, we've met before I think.
Polly Sherman: Yes, I served you at breakfast.
Mr. Hutchinson: Oh yes, and you spilled the grapefruit juice didn't you, you naughty girl?
Polly Sherman: And you moved the glass, didn't you?
Mr. Hutchinson: There is a documentary on BBC2 this evening about "Squawking Bird", the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the 1860s. Now this starts at 8:45 and goes on for approximately three-quarters of an hour.
Basil Fawlty: I'm sorry are you talking to me?
Mr. Hutchinson: Indeed I am. Yes, now, is it possible for me to reserve the BBC2 channel for the duration of this televisual feast?
Basil Fawlty: Why don't you talk properly?
Mr Carnegie: Lack of proper cleaning routines, dirty and greasy filters, greasy and encrusted deep fat fryer, dirty, cracked and stained food preparation surfaces, dirty, cracked and missing wall and floor tiles, dirty, marked and stained utensils, dirty and greasy interior surfaces of the ventilator hood, ...
Basil: About the fat fryer...
Mr Carnegie: ...inadequate temperature control and storage of dangerous foodstuffs, storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays, storage of raw meat above confectionery with consequent dripping of meat juices onto cream products, refrigerator seals loose and cracked, ice box undefrosted, and refrigerator overstocked...
Basil: Say no more.
Mr Carnegie: ...food handling routines suspect, evidence of smoking in food preparation area, dirty and grubby food handling overalls, lack of wash hand basin which you gave us a verbal assurance you'll have installed at our last visit six months ago and two dead pigeons in the water tank.
Basil: Otherwise O.K.?
Basil: I think I'll have a lie down. No I won't, I'll go and hit some guests.
O'Reilly: The problem with you, Mr. Fawlty, is that you worry too much. You keep it up like this, you'll have a stroke before fifty. Stone dead you'll be.
Basil Fawlty: Suits me.
O'Reilly: Oh! That's a dreadful thing to say.
Basil Fawlty: Not at all. Get a bit of peace.
O'Reilly: Don't be so morbid. The Good Lord made the world so that we could all enjoy ourselves.
Basil Fawlty: Look, my wife enjoys herself. I worry.
O'Reilly: Well, let me tell you, if the Lord had meant us to worry, he would have given us things to worry about.
Basil Fawlty: HE HAS! MY WIFE!! She will be back here in four hours and she can kill a man at ten paces with one blow of her tongue! How am I supposed not to worry?
O'Reilly: Just remember, Mr. Fawlty, there's always somebody worse off than yourself.
Basil Fawlty: Is there? Well I'd like to meet him. I could do with a laugh.
O'Reilly: You'll have to worry for the both of us. I tell you, if the Good Lord---
Basil Fawlty: ---is mentioned ONCE more, I shall move you closer to him!
Mrs. Richards: I've booked a room with a bath and a sea view.
Mrs. Richards: K?
Mrs. Richards: C?
Manuel: No. Qué, "what."
Mrs. Richards: K. Watt?
Manuel: Sí: qué, "what."
Mrs. Richards: C. K. Watt? Is he the manager?
Manuel: Ah! Manajer! Mr. Fawlty.
Mrs. Richards: This man is telling me the manager is a C. K. Watt, aged forty.
Manuel: No, Fawlty.
Mrs. Richards: Faulty? Why? What's wrong with him?
Basil: Where are the pens?
Sybil: They're in that box. It says "pens" quite clearly.
Basil: Looks more like "Ben's"
Sybil: Well, then when Ben comes, you can give it to him.
Basil Fawlty: I'll ruin you! You'll never waitress in Torquay again!
Basil Fawlty: This is Basil's wife. This is Basil. This is a smack in the head.
Mr Hamilton: What I'm suggesting is that this place is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe!
Major Gowen: No! No! I won't have that! There's a place in Eastbourne!
Basil Fawlty: Manuel will show you to your rooms - if you're lucky.
Basil Fawlty: It's all right, he's only choking!
Randal: You being melodramatic is about as natural as an oral bowel movement!
Randal: Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya, nothing personal.
Customer: Cute cat. What's his name?
Randal: Annoying customer.
[grabs pack of cigarettes]
Customer: Fuckin' dickhead.
Jay: What's up, baby? What's up, sluts?
Randal: My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad.
Jay: I've had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me was weed and shit.
Dante: Call the police!
Dante: Because there's a stranger in our bathroom that just raped Caitlin!
Randal: She said she did all the work!
Dante: Will you shut the fuck up!
Randal: There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Sanford: Hey Dante, I'm going to grab a Gatorade.
Dante: If you grab a Gatorade, everyone going to grab a Gatorade.
Dante: So who's going to pay for all those Gatorades?
Sanford: What do you care you shoe-polish smelling motherfucker?
Randal: He's blunt, but he's got a point.
Dante: Please, will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here?
Sanford: Managerial control? You're closing the fucking store to play hockey.
[After losing a hockey ball from the roof.]
Dante: Are there any balls down there?
Jay: About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry!
Dante: Hey, whatcha rent? "Best of Both Worlds"?
Randal: Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame.
Dante: And you rented this?
Randal: Hey, I like to expand my horizons.
Caitlin Bree: I'm offering you my body and you're offering me semantics.
Dante: I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Randal: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?
Dante Hicks: "Empire".
Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.
[reading a magazine]
Randal: Have you ever wondered how much the average jizz-mopper makes per hour?
Dante: What's a jizz-mopper?
Randal: He's the guy that cleans up the nudie booth after each guy jerks off.
Dante: Nudie booth?
Randal: Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been in a nudie booth?
Dante: I guess not.
Randal: Oh, it's great. There's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like 10 bucks.
Dante: What kinda show?
[Customer walks up to counter with a bottle of glass cleaner and a roll of paper towels.]
Randal: They do the weirdest, craziest shit you like to see chicks do. They insert things into any opening on their body - ANY opening.
Dante: Could we not talk about this right now?
Randal: The jizz-mopper's job is to clean off the glass after each guy shoots a load. I don't know if you noticed, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
Customer: I will never come to this place again!
Dante: I'm sorry?
Customer: Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired!
Dante: I'm sorry, I guess we got carried away.
Customer: I don't know if sorry could make up for it, you've highly offended me.
Randal: Well if you thinks that's offensive, check this out! [Shows him graphic picture from porn mag.] I think you can see her kidneys!
Low I.Q. Video Customer: Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie last year?
Randal: They never rent anything good either. They always choose the most intellectually devoid stuff on the rack.
Dante Hicks: I thought I told you not to be dealing in front of the store.
Jay: I ain't dealin', man, what you talkin' about?
Customer: Hey, man, you got anything?
Jay: Yeah, man, what you want?
Customer: Are either one of these any good? [Randal ignores her.] Sir?
Customer: Are either one of these any good?
Randal: I don't watch movies.
Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
Randal: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
Customer: You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
[Turns around, then shows Randal the same movies]
Customer: Well, what about these two?
Randal: Oh, they suck.
Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!
Randal: No, I wasn't.
Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate...
Randal: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Customer: I beg your pardon?
Randal: Your ruse; your cunning attempt to trick me.
Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying!
Randal: And, I hope it feels good.
Customer: You hope WHAT feels good?
Randal: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here!
Randal: You'll be missed.
Customer: Screw you!
[runs to the door]
Randal: Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!
Customer: What do you mean there's no ice! I have to drink this coffee hot?
Dante Hicks: You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie...
Silent Bob: You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.
Randal: People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom."
Randal: I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule.
Dante: Yeah, I mean aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. I mean that's what high school was about, algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity.
[making "Jaws" music]
Randal: Salsa shark... Man goes into cage... Cage goes into salsa... Sharks in the salsa... We're gonna need a bigger boat!
Dante Hicks: You said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him!
Veronica: Because I never HAD sex with him.
Dante Hicks: You sucked his dick!
Veronica: We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around.
Dante Hicks: Oh my God, WHY did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?
Veronica: Because I DID only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.
Dante Hicks: Oh my God, I feel so nauseous!
Veronica: I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood!
Dante Hicks: I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!
Veronica: Please calm down.
Dante Hicks: How many?
Dante Hicks: How many dicks have you sucked?
Veronica: Let it go!
Dante Hicks: How many?
Veronica: All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you fucked!
Dante Hicks: This is different, this is important. How many?
[long pause as customer buys something]
Dante Hicks: Well?
Veronica: Something like... 36.
Dante Hicks: What? Something like 36?
Veronica: Lower your voice.
Dante Hicks: Wait a minute, what is that anyway, something like 36? Does that INCLUDE me?
Dante Hicks: I'm 37?!
Dante Hicks: My girlfriend's sucked 37 dicks!
Customer: In a row?
Dante: Try not to suck any dicks on your way to the parking lot!
Randal: This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.
Customer: It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys, that's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.
Dante Hicks: But you hate people.
Randal: Yes, but I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?
Chewlies Gum Rep: Please, Mr. Merchant of Death, sir, please, sell me something that will stink up my breath and my clothes and fry my lungs.
Dante: What's your encore? Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank?
[Randal is on the phone when a woman and little girl come to the counter.]
Woman with daughter: Excuse me, do you sell videos?
Randal: Yeah, what're you looking for?
Woman with daughter: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
Randal: Okay, hang on, I'm on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure we got it. What was it called again?
Woman with daughter: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
Daughter: Happy Scrappy...
Woman with Daughter: She loves it.
Randal: Obviously. Yeah, hello, this is RST Video, customer number 4352, I need to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: "Whispers in the Wind", "To Each His Own", "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All Tit-Fucking Volume 8", "I Need Your Cock", "Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers", "My Cunt Needs Shafts", "Cum Clean", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cum Buns III", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum On Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks and Pearly White Cum", "Men Alone II: the KY Connection", "Pink Pussy Lips", and, uh, oh yeah, "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock". Uh-huh...yeah...Oh, wait, and, what was that called again?
...Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Knights of Camelot: We're knights of the Round Table, we dance whene'er we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impec-cable, We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. / We're knights of the Round Table, our shows are for-mi-dable. But many times we're given rhymes that are quite un-sing-able, We're opera mad in Camelot, we sing from the diaphragm a lot. / In war we're tough and able, Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable. Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable / It's a busy life in Camelot [solo] I have to push the pram a lot.
King of Swamp Castle: Look Alice...
Prince Herbert: Herbert!
King of Swamp Castle: Herbert...
Minstrel: Bravely bold Sir Robin, brough forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to being mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes carved out, and his elbows broken. To have his knee cut split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off and his penis...
Sir Robin: THAT'S, that's quite enough, Minstrel.
Minstrel: Brave Sir Robin ran away, bravely ran away away. When danger reared his ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled. Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, he turned his tail, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by Sir Robin.
God: What are you doing now?
Arthur: Averting our eyes, oh Lord.
God: Well, don't. It's just like those miserable psalms, always so depressing.
King of Swamp Castle: This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who.
God: Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy"...
French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
Arthur: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
French Soldier: No, now go away before I taunt you a second time.
Galahad: Look, let me face the peril!
Lancelot: No, no, it's much too perilous!
Black Knight: Have at you!
Arthur: You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine.
Black Knight: Oh, had enough eh?
Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left!
Black Knight: Yes I have.
Black Knight: Just a flesh wound!
Bedevere: What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant: Well she turned me into a newt!
Bedevere: A newt?
Peasant: I got better.
Crowd: BURN HER ANYWAY!
Peasant 1: Who's that there?
Peasant 2: I don't know... Must be a king...
Peasant 1: Why?
Peasant 2: He hasn't got shit all over him.
French Knight: You don't frighten us, English pig dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English K-nig-hts.
Arthur: Old woman!
Arthur: Man, sorry.
Dennis: I'm 37.
Dennis: I'm 37. I'm not old.
Arthur: I did apologize about the "old woman," but from behind you looked, well...
Dennis: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior.
Arthur: Well, I am king.
Dennis: Oh, king, eh? And how'd you get that? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.
Arthur: I am your king!
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you!
Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays...]
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering silmite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king!
Dennis: Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!
Dennis: Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Dennis: Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Dennis: Help! Help! I'm being repressed! Come see the violence inherent in the system! Violence inherent in the system!
Bedevere: ...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped.
Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
[The King gestures to the window.]
King of Swamp Castle: Some day, lad, all this will be yours.
Prince Herbert: What, the curtains?
King of Swamp Castle: When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built in all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. And that one sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, and then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what you're going to get, Son, the strongest castle in all of England.
Lancelot: Look, my liege!
Sir Galahad: Camelot!
Patsy: It's only a model.
Arthur: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.
Zoot: You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal with her as you like... and then... spank me!
All: And me! And me too! And me!
Zoot: Yes! Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
Zoot: And after the spanking, the oral sex!
Galahad: Well I could stay a bit longer...
Knight: We are the Knights who say... NI!
Knight 1: We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni.
Knight 2: NI!
Other Knights: Shh...
Knight 1: We are now the Knights who say... "Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG! Zoom-Boing! Z'nourrwringmm!"
King of Swamp Castle: We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.
Prince Herbert: But I don't like her.
King of Swamp Castle: Don't like her? What's wrong with her. She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge ... tracts of land.
Tim: Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
Arthur: What an eccentric performance.
[Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.]
King Arthur: How does it...um...how does it work?
Lancelot: I know not, my liege.
King Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments!
Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.
Cleric: And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu--
Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother...
Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more--no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."
Brother Maynard: Amen.
King Arthur: Right. One...two...five!
Galahad: Three, sir.
King Arthur: Three!
...Terms of Endearment
Garrett Breedlove: If you wanted to get me on my back, all you had to do was ask me.
Garrett Breedlove: I like the lights on.
Aurora Greenway: Then go home and turn them on.
Aurora Greenway: I just didn't want you to think I was like one of your other girls.
Garrett Breedlove: Not much chance of that unless you curtsy on my face real soon.
[Upon hearing of her daughter's pregnancy]
Aurora Greenway: Why should I be happy about being a grandmother?!
Flap Horton: Does this mean you won't be knitting the baby any booties?
Aurora Greenway: Do you have any reaction at all to my telling you I love you?
Garrett Breedlove: I was just inches from a clean getaway.
Garrett Breedlove: You're gonna need a lot of drinks.
Aurora Greenway: To break the ice?
Garrett Breedlove: To kill the bug you have up your ass.
Aurora Greenway: Would you like to come in?
Garrett Breedlove: I'd rather stick needles in my eyes.
Aurora Greenway: Gorgeous isn't everything.
Butch: Will you hand me a towel, tulip?
Fabienne: Ah, I like that. I like tulip. Tulip is much better than mongoloid.
Marsellus: In the fifth, your ass goes down. Say it.
Butch: In the fifth, my ass goes down.
Mia: I do believe Marsellus Wallace, my husband, your boss, told you to take ME out and do WHATEVER I WANTED. I wanna dance, I wanna win. I want that trophy, so dance good.
The Wolf: That's thirty minutes away. I'll be there in ten.
Jules: Normally, both of you would be dead as fucking fried chicken by now, but since I'm in a transitional period, I don't want to kill either one of your asses.
Jimmie: Well, the thing on my mind right now isn't the good coffee in my cup, it's the dead nigger in my garage.
Jules: Whether or not what we experienced was an According to Hoyle miracle is irrelevant. What is relevant is that I felt the touch of God. God got involved.
Jimmie: I'm gonna get divorced. No marriage conselling, no trial separation, divorced.
Honey Bunny: Any of you fuckin' pricks move, and I'll execute every mother fuckin' last one of ya.
Vincent Vega: And you know what they call a ... a ... a Quarter Pounder with cheese in Paris?
Jules: They don't call it a Quarter Pounder with cheese?
Vincent Vega: No man, they got the metric system. They wouldn't know what the fuck a Quarter Pounder is.
Jules: Then what do they call it?
Vincent Vega: They call it a "Royale" with cheese.
Jules: A "Royale" with cheese! What do they call a Big Mac?
Vincent Vega: A Big Mac's a Big Mac, but they call it "le Big-Mac".
Jules: "Le Big-Mac"! Ha ha ha ha! What do they call a Whopper?
Vincent Vega: I dunno, I didn't go into Burger King.
Vincent: We should have shotguns for this.
Butch: You okay?
Marcellus: No. I'm pretty fuckin' far from okay.
Jules: Whoa...whoa...whoa...stop right there. Eatin' a bitch out, and givin' a bitch a foot massage ain't even the same fuckin' thing.
Vincent: Not the same thing, the same ballpark.
Jules: It ain't no ballpark either. Look maybe your method of massage differs from mine, but touchin' his lady's feet, and stickin' your tongue in her holyiest of holies, ain't the same ballpark, ain't the same league, ain't even the same fuckin' sport. Foot massages don't mean shit.
Vincent: Have you ever given a foot massage?
Jules: Don't be tellin' me about foot massages - I'm the foot fuckin' master.
Vincent: Given a lot of 'em?
Jules: Shit yeah. I got my technique down man, I don't tickle or nothin'.
Vincent: Have you ever given a guy a foot massage?
Jules: Fuck you.
Vincent: How many?
Jules: Fuck you.
Vincent: Would you give me a foot massage? I'm kinda tired.
Jules: Man, you best back off, I'm gittin' pissed.
Jules: Check out the big brain on Brett!
Jules: What does Marcellus Wallace look like?
[pointing his gun]
Jules: Say "what" again. SAY "WHAT" AGAIN! I dare you, I double dare you, motherfucker! Say "what" one more goddamn time!
Brett: He's b-b-black...
Jules: Go on.
Brett: He's bald...
Jules: Does he look like a bitch?
[Jules shoots Brett in shoulder]
Jules: DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?
Jules: Then why you trying to fuck him like a bitch, Brett?
Brett: I didn't!
Jules: Yes you did. Yes you did, Brett. You tried to fuck him. And Marcellus Wallace don't like to be fucked by anybody, except Mrs. Wallace.
[Jules shoots the guy on the couch during Brett's interrogation]
Jules: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration?
Marcellus: No one needs to know about this except you, me and Mr.-soon-to-be-living-the-rest-of-his-short-ass-life-in-agonizing -pain-rapist here.
Vincent Vega: That's a pretty fucking good milkshake. I don't know if it's worth five dollars but it's pretty fucking good.
[Marcellus is telling Butch to take a dive.]
Marcellus: The night of the fight, you may feel a slight sting. That's pride fucking with you. Fuck pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps.
[Ezekiel 25:17 among others]
Jules: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
[Vincent Vega goes up to Butch at the bar]
Butch: What're you looking at, friend?
Vincent Vega: I ain't your friend, Palooka.
Butch: What did you say?
Vincent Vega: I think you heard me just fine, Punchy.
[After a long pause in their conversation]
Mia Wallace: Don't you hate that?
Vincent Vega: Hate what?
Mia Wallace: Uncomfortable silences.
Mia: Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to become comfortable?
Lance: You're going to give her an injection of adrenaline directly to her heart.
Vincent: Then what happens?
Lance: I'm curious about that myself.
Marcellus: I'm prepared to scour the the Earth for that motherfucker. If Butch goes to Indochina, I want a nigger waiting in a bowl of rice ready to pop a cap in his ass.
Butch: I think I have a broken rib.
Fabienne: From giving me oral pleasure?
Fabienne: Whose motorcycle is this?
Butch: It's a chopper, baby.
Fabienne: Whose chopper is this?
Butch: It's Zed's.
Fabienne: Who's Zed?
Butch: Zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead.
Captain Koons: The way your dad looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He'd be damned if any of the slopes were gonna get their greasy yellow hands on his boy's birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something: his ass. Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you.
Esmerelda Villalobos: What is your name?
Esmerelda Villalobos: What does it mean?
Butch: I'm American, honey, our names don't mean shit.
[Jules and Vinnie take Marvin with them in their car and Vinnie's gun goes off and blows Marvin's head off]
Jules: Oh! Fuck's happening!
Vincent Vega: Man, I shot Marvin in the face.
Jules: Why the fuck did you do that! Oh man I've seen some crazy ass shit in my time!
Vincent Vega: Chill out, man. I told you it was an accident. You probably went over a bump or something.
Jules: Hey, the car didn't hit no motherfucking bump.
Vincent Vega: Hey, look man, I didn't mean to shoot the son of a bitch! The gun went off. I don't know why.
Jules: Well look at this fucking mess, man. We're on a city street in broad daylight.
Vincent Vega: I don't believe it.
Jules: Well believe it now, motherfucker! We gotta get this car off the road. You know cops tend to notice shit like your driving a car drenched in fucking blood.
Vincent Vega: Take it to a friendly place, that's all.
Jules: We're in the Valley, Vincent! Marcellus ain't got no friendly places in the Valley.
Vincent Vega: Well Jules this ain't my fucking town! Shit! What you doin'?
[Jules dials a number on his cellular phone]
Jules: I'm calling my partner in Toluca Lake.
Vincent Vega: Where's Toluca Lake?
Jules: Just over the hill here over by Burbank Studios. If Jimmie's ass ain't home, I don't what the fuck we're going to do, man. 'Cause I ain't got no other partners in 8-1-8. Hey Jimmie, yo, how you doin'? It's Jules. Listen up man. Me and my homeboy are in serious fucking shit. We're in a car and we gotta get off the road, pronto. I need to use your garage for a couple of hours.
Jimmie: Now let me ask you a question, Jules. When you drove in here, did you notice a sign out in front that said, "Dead nigger storage"?
Jimmie: Answer the question! Did you see a sign out in front of my house that said "Dead nigger storage"?
Jules: Naw man, I didn't.
Jimmie: You know why you didn't see that sign?
Jimmie: 'Cause storin' dead niggers ain't my fuckin' business!
Jules: I don't wanna hear about no motherfuckin' ifs. All I wanna hear from yo' ass is, "You ain't got no problem, Jules. I'm on the motherfucker. Go back in there, chill them niggaz out and wait for the calvery which should be coming directly."
Marcellus: You ain't got no problem Jules. I'm on the moterfucker. Go back in there, chill them niggaz out and wait for the Wolf who should be coming directly.
[Winston Wolf takes exception to Vincent's taking exception to his brusque manner]
Winston Wolf: So, pretty please - with sugar on top ... clean the fuckin' car!
Jimmie: I can't believe this is the same car!
Winston Wolf: Well, let's not start sucking each others dicks just yet.
Vincent Vega: Bacon tastes gooood. Pork chops tastes gooood.
Jules: I'm a mushroom cloud laying motherfucker, motherfucker.
Vincent Vega: Jules, if you give that fuckin' nimrod fifteen hundred dollars, I'm gonna shoot him on general principles.
Jules: Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfuckers. Pig sleep and root in shit. That's a filthy animal. I ain't eat nothin' that ain't got enough sense to disregard its own feces.
Vincent: How about a dog? Dogs eat their own feces.
Jules: I don't eat dog either.
Vincent: Yeah, but do you consider a dog to be a filthy animal?
Jules: I wouldn't go so far as to call a dog filthy but they're definitely dirty. But, a dog's got personality. Personality goes a long way.
Vincent: Ah, so by that rationale, if a pig had a better personality, it'd cease to be a filthy animal. Is that true?
Jules: Well we gotta be talkin' about one charmin' motherfuckin' pig. I mean he'd have to be ten times more charmin' than that Arnold on Green Acres, you know what I'm sayin'?
Jules: We're all gonna be three little Fonzies - and what what was Fonzie?!
Jules: Yolanda, I thought you were gonna be cool. When you yell at me, it makes me nervous. When I get nervous, I get scared. And when motherfuckers get scared, that's when motherfuckers get accidentally shot.
Jules Winnfield: Hand me my wallet.
Pumpkin: Which one is it?
Jules Winnfield: It's the one with "bad motherfucker" written on it.
Jules Winnfield: Wanna know what I'm buyin' Ringo?
Jules Winnfield: Your life. I'm givin' you that money so I don't hafta kill your ass. You read the Bible?
Pumpkin: Not regularly.
Jules Winnfield: There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you." I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. Now I'm thinkin': it could mean you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. .45 here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or is could by you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin, Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.
Maynard: Nobody kills anybody in my place of business except me or Zed.
[Cleaning their bloody hands.]
Jules Winnfield: Fuck, nigger, what did you do to his towel?
Vincent Vega: I was dryin' my hands.
Jules Winnfield: You're supposed to wash 'em first.
Vincent Vega: You watched me wash 'em.
Jules Winnfield: I watched you get 'em wet.
Vincent Vega: I washed 'em. This shit's hard to get off. Maybe if I had Lava or something, I coulda done a better job.
Jules Winnfield: I used the same fuckin' soap you did and when I got finished, the towel didn't look like no god-damn Maxi-Pad!!
...From Dusk Till Dawn
Seth: I know that I have put you through hell, and I know that I have been one rough pecker. But from here on, you are all in my cool book.
Seth: I may be a bastard, but I'm not a fucking bastard.
Seth Gecko: All right, vampire killers... let's kill some fucking vampires.
Seth: Everybody be cool. YOU - be cool.
Seth Gecko: So, what's the deal with you two, you a couple of fags?
Jacob Fuller: He's my son.
Seth Gecko: Yeah, how'd that happen? You don't look Japanese.
Jacob Fuller: Neither does he. He looks Chinese.
Seth Gecko: Oh, well pardon me all to hell.
Pete Bottoms: Look, he comes in here everyday. We bullshit, and he's used my bathroom about a thousand times. If I said no this time he'd know somethin' was up.
Seth: Okay, I want him out of here, in his car, and down the road or you can change the name of this place to Benny's World of Blood.
Earl McGraw: Well, it's been one long goddamn hot miserable shit-ass fuckin' day every inch of the way.
Seth Gecko: Well, your best better get a hell of a lot fucking better, or you are gonna feel a hell of a lot fucking worse.
Richard Gecko: The Ranger's taking a piss. Why don't I just go there, blow his head off and get outta here.
Pete Bottoms: Don't do that! Look, you asked me to act natural, and I'm acting as natural - in fact, under the circumstances, I think I ought get a fuckin' Academy Award for how natural I'm acting.
Sex Machine: So what's your name, darlin'?
Kate: Kate. What's yours?
Sex Machine: Sex Machine, pleased to meet you.
Kate: Richie, would you do me a favor and eat my pussy for me... please?
Richard: Uhh... sure.
[On his impending vampirization.]
Jacob: I'll be a lap dog of Satan.
Kate Fuller: What's going on?
Richard Gecko: We're having a wet bikini contest, and you just won.
[talking to Jacob Fuller about his wife's death in a car crash]
Seth Gecko: Died instantly?
Jacob Fuller: Not quite. She was trapped in the wreck for about six hours before she passed on.
Seth Gecko: Whewww! Those acts of God really stick it in and break it off, don't they?
Richard Gecko: Where are my glasses?
Seth Gecko: They broke when you fell.
Richard Gecko: Oh, fuck, Seth, that's my only pair!
Seth Gecko: Don't worry about it, we'll get you some glasses.
Richard Gecko: Whatdya mean, don't worry about it. Of course I'm gonna worry about it, I can't fuckin' see.
Seth Gecko: When we get to El Rey, I'll take care of it.
Richard Gecko: Yeah, like a Mexican hole-in-the-wall's gonna have my fuckin' prescription.
Chet Pussy: Pussy, pussy, pussy! All pussy must go. At the Titty Twister we're slashing pussy in half! This is a pussy blow out! Make us an offer on our vast selection of pussy! We got white pussy, black pussy, Spanish pussy, yellow pussy, hot pussy, cold pussy, wet pussy, tight pussy, big pussy, bloody pussy, fat pussy, hairy pussy, smelly pussy, velvet pussy, silk pussy, Naugahyde pussy, snappin' pussy, horse pussy, dog pussy, chicken pussy, fake pussy! If we don't have it, you don't want it!
Seth Gecko: Shit, I been to bars make this place look like a fuckin' 4-H club.
Richard Gecko: I gotta say I'm with Jacob on this. I been to some fucked up places in my time, but that place is fucked up.
Seth Gecko: Now, is my shit together, or is my shit together?
Richard Gecko: Your shit is forever together!
Jacob Fuller: Are you so much a fucking loser, you can't tell when you've won?
Seth Gecko: What did you call me?
Jacob Fuller: Nothing. I didn't make a statement. I asked a question. Would you like me to ask it again? Very well. Are you such a loser you can't tell when you've won? The entire state of Texas, along with the F.B.I., is looking for you. Did they find you? No. They couldn't. They had every entrance to the border covered. There's no way you could get across. Did you? Yes, you did. You've won, Seth, enjoy it.
Seth Gecko: Fight now, cry later.
Santanico Pandemonium: I'm not gonna drain you completely. You're gonna turn for me, you'll be my slave. You'll live for me. You'll eat bugs because I order it. Because I don't think you're worthy of human blood, you'll feed on the blood of stray dogs. You'll be my foot stool. And at my command, you'll lick the dog shit from my boot heel. Since you'll be my dog, your new name will be "Spot". Welcome to slavery.
Kate Fuller: Are you okay?
Seth Gecko: Peachy! Why shouldn't I be? The world's my oyster, except for the fact that I just rammed a wooden stake in my brother's heart because he turned into a vampire, even though I don't believe in vampires. Aside from that unfortunate business, everything's hunky-dory.
Seth Gecko: Do you have a cross?
Jacob Fuller: In the Winnebago.
Seth Gecko: In other words, no.
Scott Fuller: What are you talking about? We got crosses all over the place. All you gotta do is put two sticks together and you got a cross.
Sex Machine: He's right. Peter Cushing does that all the time.
Seth Gecko: I don't know about that. In order for it to have any power, I think it's gonna be an official crucifix.
Jacob Fuller: What's an official cross? Some piece of tin made in Taiwan? What makes that official? If a cross works against vampires, it's not the cross itself, it's what the cross represents. The cross is a symbol of holiness.
Jacob Fuller: Has anybody here read a real book about vampires, or are we just remembering what a movie said? I mean a real book.
Sex Machine: You mean like a Time-Life book?
Seth Gecko: Okay hard drinkers, let's drink hard. I'm buyin'.
Carlos: What, were they psychos, or...?
Seth: Did they look like psychos? Is that what they looked like? They were vampires. Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don't give a fuck how crazy they are.
Kate: Where are we going?
Kate: What's in Mexico?
[After Richard blows up Benny's World of Liquor.]
Seth Gecko: Low profile. Do you know what the words "low profile" mean?
[to Hostage Gloria]
Seth Gecko: You. Plant yourself in that chair.
Hostage Gloria: What are you planning on doing with -
Seth Gecko: I said plant yourself. Plants don't talk.
Seth Gecko: Let me explain the house rules. Follow the rules, we'll get along like a house on fire. Rule number one: No noise, no question. You make a noise... [holds up gun] Mr. .44 makes a noise. You ask a question, Mr. 44 answers it.
Richard Gecko: Shit, I started to get worried. Where the fuck ya been?
Seth Gecko: Sight seein'.
Richard Gecko: What'd ya see?
Seth Gecko: Cops.
Seth: So what are you, Jacob? A faithless preacher? Or a mean motherfuckin' servant of God?
Seth: Do you think this is who I am? I am a professional thief, I don't run around killing people I don't have to.
Jacob: I'm a mean m... m... servant of God.
Seth: If you try to run, I've got six little friends and they can all run faster than you can.
FLEISCHMANN György -