Wanting a child

August 17th 1998

My story isn't as long as some but it's just as hard to deal with. At 15 I was sent to see a an Endocrinologist (at the time it was a foreign word with foreign meanings now endocrinology has become what rules my daily existence). I was young didn't even blink an eye when she told me I had PCOS(polycystic ovarian syndrome). Now I'm almost 19 happily married to the man of my dreams only to now be faced with a struggle that so many women face.....infertility. Everything's fine with Matthew he could impregnate an entire swimming team according to our docs so all of the blame lays on one person....me. I didn't know that when they told me I had PCOS that it would mean so many devestating things. Being naive as I am I went off Birth Control in May thinking hey I'll be pregnant by June well June passed July passed now August is passing and I have yet to have a period much less get pregnant. We've tried provera not once but twice now we're 5 days after the last pill and still NOTHING. I am almost 19 years old and I will have to take fertility drugs to have a child.

There are 3 words I hate to hear "IT WILL HAPPEN". Why do I hate it, well that's simple, because nobody knows the trials of this disease. I have friends who've been trying to conceive for YEARS on end and when they do it ends in a misscarriage a molar pregnancy a blighted ovum worse yet an ectopic pregnancy. How much pain do the women with this disease or syndrome (I think it's a curse) have to suffer? I don't know I can't honestly tell you. But when people give me dirty looks about getting pregnant I point out the fact I could be well into my 20's before "it happens". For goodness sake my husband is 25, he's ready and so am I.......so here I sit waiting with a prescription of clomid in my hands that as of yet I haven't even had the chance to use. I guess I'm using this page as my way of venting the anger that I have towards my own body. So until the day comes when my stupid period shows up here I will STILL sit with a prescription of Clomid in my hands that I STILL CAN'T use!

UPDATE: As of August 21st my dearest Aunt finally came to visit! So as of August 25th we will begin our fertility drugs. FINALLY I get to use the presription for clomid in my hands.

My whole story and thoughts about infertiliy babies and life