This is your tuba:

To get to know your tuba, it is recommended that you eat with your tuba, bathe with your tuba, sleep with your tuba, and make wild passionate love with your tuba (with or without the help of your section members).


If your tuba has not been provided to you with the bell installed, please to so by inserting the little, round end of the bell into the part of the main section of similar shape.



Next, you will need to select a pair of bits and a mouthpiece if you do not already have one. Assemble these parts as illustrated:

If necessary, bind the ends together with black electrical tape:

This will prevent slippage:

And possible beheading:

Wearing Your Tuba

This is you:

Unless you are fat, in which case this would be you:

Either way, place the sousaphone (bell up) on your left shoulder. Put your right hand on the valve buttons and your left hand on the bits:



Using the Instrument

Warming Up

To warm up, sneak up behind a saxophone player and blow really, really hard into the mouthpiece:

You are now warm.

Playing Actual Music

It will occasionally be asked of you to play music on your tuba. When/if this situation arises, DO NOT PANIC. Follow these steps and you will be able to play high quality, top grade, funk-filled Raiber/Malicoate/Amos arrangements.

Step 1: Examine the music closely, taking note of the clef. If it is a bass clef, it is very likely that it is tuba music.

Step 2: After carefully studying the music, attempt to play it on your tuba. To do so, blow really hard into the little end of the tuba (see: "Warming Up") while pushing down various valve buttons. If the sounds you are making are not at all similar to the rest of the section's, please refer to Appendix A, "Troubleshooting."

That's it! You're now ready to play.

Care and Feeding for Your Tuba

Your tuba will get thirsty after a long day of marching in the summer heat. To remedy this, pour a bottle of Sprite (borrowed from a trumpet player) down the leadpipe. Slosh it around for about 15 seconds, then dump it out on a flute player who is in need of refreshment. Not only will this rid your instrument of various organic matter that may be hindering your performance, but it will save the flute player from heat exhaustion. (Plus, if you pour the Sprite just right, you might get to see her nipples.)

Similarly, your tuba will get extremely cold during the winter months of marching season. To prevent your tuba (and a flute player) from developing hypothermia, follow the above steps with a cup of hot chocolate.

Our Country

Members of this tuba section are also citizens of Blatvia. A press release and the constitution may be found in Appendix B.

The Web Page

is located at:

Appendix A: Troubleshooting

Horn does not make correct noise.

Possible Cause:
If what you are wearing looks like this:

You are playing the incorrect horn.
Steal someone else's tuba.

Possible Cause:
There are one or more animate/inanimate objects in your tuba.
Cleanse with Sprite.

Possible Cause:
You are attempting to play the wrong music.
If it is flute music, turn it upside down.

Possible Cause:
You do not have your music memorized.
Use the "first valve fake." (Note for advanced players: if Bryant is at all visible, look at his fingers and copy what he is doing.)

Appendix B: Blatvia

Another Good Thing from the OSU Tubas.