To get to know your tuba, it is recommended that you eat with your tuba, bathe with your tuba, sleep with your tuba, and make wild passionate love with your tuba (with or without the help of your section members).
Next, you will need to select a pair of bits and a mouthpiece if you do not already have one. Assemble these parts as illustrated:
If necessary, bind the ends together with black electrical tape:
This will prevent slippage:
And possible beheading:
Wearing Your Tuba
Unless you are fat, in which case this would be you:
Either way, place the sousaphone (bell up) on your left shoulder. Put your right hand on the valve buttons and your left hand on the bits:
Using the Instrument
To warm up, sneak up behind a saxophone player and blow really, really hard into the mouthpiece:
You are now warm.
Playing Actual Music
It will occasionally be asked of you to play music on your tuba. When/if this situation arises, DO NOT PANIC. Follow these steps and you will be able to play high quality, top grade, funk-filled Raiber/Malicoate/Amos arrangements.
Step 1: Examine the music closely, taking note of the clef. If it is a bass clef, it is very likely that it is tuba music.
Step 2: After carefully studying the music, attempt to play it on your tuba. To do so, blow really hard into the little end of the tuba (see: "Warming Up") while pushing down various valve buttons. If the sounds you are making are not at all similar to the rest of the section's, please refer to Appendix A, "Troubleshooting."
That's it! You're now ready to play.
Care and Feeding for Your Tuba
Similarly, your tuba will get extremely cold during the winter months of marching season. To prevent your tuba (and a flute player) from developing hypothermia, follow the above steps with a cup of hot chocolate.
The Web Page
Appendix A: Troubleshooting
Horn does not make correct noise.
Steal someone else's tuba.
Appendix B: Blatvia
Another Good Thing from the OSU Tubas.