Hammer: You will need to take care of any virgin surfaces of the horn...

Black Tape: Keep your mouthpiece taped to the horn, lest ye discover the second purpose of the hammer...

Razor: An aerodynamic hairdo will be required for maximum efficiency.

Chicken bouillon: (actual size) A staple for any tuba player worth his salt. "A cube a day keeps the clarinets away."

Bag-O-Crack: When members of other sections ask, "Are you guys on crack or something?" you can honestly answer, "Bwha?"

Funk: Difficult to define, easy to recognize. Without it, you're just a buncha crackers. (Also, funk would appear to be some sort of bluish-green substance.)

Map to Chuck n' Bryant's House: C'mon. You gotta know where this is.

Sprite: Trust your thirst. Not some tuba player.