October 17, 1997
Last night was bad... I think the worst we've had yet. Jevim was acting childish (or so I thought) and so I started acting childish, and the end we were both left feeling bad about things.
What happened? I was in my usual IRC hangout with my online friend Janice, and in a DCC chat with Jevim. Jevim was telling me about Jello Shooters (I don't remember ow we got on the topic) and I was relaying what he was telling me to Janet, who thought it sounded rather interesting. I was about to invite Jevim into the channel when he joined in and we started having a conversation. It turned a bit naughty, and Jevim made a remark, which he was wondering if Janice would get. She did, but she wasn't saying anything to be polite and not embarrass me (I wasn't embarrassed), and so Jevim asked her if she got it and she said yes. Then she "glared" at him (which I knew was all in fun, but he was upset from a call from the financial aid office and he didn't take it very well), and said something about a "rude bear" -- his persona is a bear, as is mine on IRC -- and he *sigh*ed and left the channel.
Janice told me she was only teasing and she was chuckling about things, and I pasted that to Jevim, but he wouldn't have any of it. He wanted an apology direct from her. I thought he was being childish and tried to get him back into the channel to ask for an apology on his own, but he was being stubborn.
Add to it the fact that he and I were playing backgammon, and I beat him rather soundly, and that only upset him more. He said he'd joined for the next game, but I said I didn't want to play, I wanted to get this whole mess sorted out. I said if he needed to go off and be alone for a while, that was fine, and he said fine, left the backgammon server, and stopped typing.
I was mad, so I closed the DCC window. He was still on ICQ, but I figured he wouldn't be talking to me, so I logged off and went to take out my contacts, thinking I would wait and see if he called me first. He didn't, and so I called him, and he finally answered after the machine picked up, and I realized what I had done.
To make a long story not quite so long, he had thought I was angry and was leaving him for good when I closed the DCC and logged off. He'd been typing something to me, but I never saw it. He shut down his computer, took his phone, and crawled into bed, throwing the bear I had given him out of bed first.
When he told me about throwing the bear out, I broke down. He thought I was laughing and said it wasn't funny, but I told him he wasn't crying. He asked, "So what ARE you doing?" and I said "What do you think?" and he finally figured it out and started apologizing.
We eventually made amends and forgave each other, and I talked him to sleep. I wound up back online for a little while, but I did go to bed early, and I didn't sleep very well. I was anxious to talk to him this morning to see how he was feeling, and he said that he couldn't hate me or have anything but nice, warm thoughts for me. *sigh* All I wanted was to be wrapped in his arms again, to know for real and for sure that everything was okay.
I still feel bad for having disappeared on him... he said when I left and he thought it was for good, he started thinking of ways to end his life, because he couldn't stand to be without me. I never thought he would take my disappearing that way, but that's one of the pitfalls of communicating online.
Today has been better... been keeping busy setting up the "Hearts on the Line" webring, [note: no one ever showed any interest in the ring, and so I've deleted it from the webring system] and helping Judith with a webring too. Keeping busy really helps the time pass, and Jevim should be heading home from work soon.
Mom got HBO and Showtime and Starz today (they had to come out and hook her TV up with a converter box) and she's happy now that she has new movies to watch, so maybe that will keep her from lurking in here and getting on my nerves a bit.
That's all for now... I vaguely remember dreaming, but I don't remember what of, except I think that Jevim must have been in one of the dreams (but it wasn't the cuddly, reassuring type of dream I really needed). I hope tonight will be better than last night. I pray that it never gets as bad as last night again.
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