LET'S TALK ABOUT LABELS:
"boy" and "slave"
Table of contents:
- Definitions - 1998
- Definitions - 1999, first draft
- Definitions - 1999, as revised
- Definitions - 2001-present
- The full explanation of why dave and I ended contract
- My ad for a slave that prompted this elaboration on "boy" and "slave"
Background:I had a wonderful slave, dave, from May 1998 - February 1999. (We remain extremely close friends.) Ultimately, dave came to realize that he wanted a diad / two-person relationship, not a triad, and we ended contract. (Here's the full explanation of why dave and I ended contract.)
After several months passed, I felt ready to enter the male marketplace and find a new slave.
I spent quite some time in late May working on my ad for a slave and updating our leather site to reflect that I am [was] actively in the market. I put the ad in AOL's leather section. I applied to be listed on Jack Rinella's (then-existent) Slaver's Board. I planned on putting the ad in Collars Journal, "The premier Mastery/slavery journal in the US today." [Its last issue was June 2003.] (The Saturday night I was working on the ad Tom went out and met a leather couple. They asked "Where's your partner?" He said "At home, working on an ad for a new slave." It was a great leather moment.)
In addition to that broad net, I was in continuing correspondence with a man I met May 1-2, 1999, while teaching at The Leather submissive boy Class. That man was from Austin. We visited while I was in Austin three weeks later 5/21-5/23 for Texas Leather Pride Weekend.
When I updated our leather site to reflect that I was looking for a slave, on my Petition to serve MASTER Wes as His slave I'd written:
Though a slave and a leather boy are both submissives, to Me a slave mindset is different from a boy mindset: A slave only wants to serve through obedience: A slave aligns its will with its Master's so that they are one. This alignment of wills results in the slave deriving its pleasure from pleasing its Owner. This requires an innately higher degree of submissive desire. Not everybody has what it takes. In fact, few people have what it takes.
I asked for feedback from my fellow members of gl-doms. (gl-doms is for "discussion among g/l Masters/Mistresses and other dominants".) Basically, while the above worked on a literal basis, I got some good input about broadening my scope if I so chose.
I asked for feedback from dave. he felt I unintentionally concentrated on the end result, and by doing so would needlessly filter out good potential candidates.
The man in Austin feared slavery would result in objectification and the loss of his humanity.
The feedback told me that I wanted to make myself clearer.
Definitions - 1998:
- Leather Daddy -- a dominant man into what's generally considered "kinky." Likes being a father figure for his leather play buddy(ies).
- leather boy -- a submissive man wanting a Leather Daddy father figure. The word "boy" in this sense has nothing to do with biological age. It is a mindset.
vs. the next level of Dominance and submission [2003: I would change this to "Control" and "obedience"]:
- MASTER -- a dominant man Who desires another's absolute submission.
- slave -- a man who feels the need for such a degree of submission that he feels more complete when giving up all control.
A Leather Daddy/boy (or MASTER/slave) relationship is a commitment between a Leather Top and an SM bottom. That commitment signifies a desire to be served and a desire to serve. In the everyday, my boy is Dad's right-hand man. In the playroom, the relationship is an adventure in ultimate trust as we explore our erotic fantasies together.
Definitions - 1999, first draft:While dave was my slave, I became aware of additional philosophies regarding Mastery/slavery. For example, Master Steve of BUTCHMANN'S SM Academy, now handled through Arizona Power Exchange's APEX Academy: Carrying on the Butchmanns Tradition, feels that slaves are often not submissive. As a result, he tries to focus Masters and slaves on "obedience". I incorporated this into dave and I's second contract, and my first draft for the Web update:Though a slave and a leather boy are both submissives, to Me a slave mindset is different from a boy mindset: A slave only wants to serve through obedience: A slave aligns its will with its Master's so that they are one. This alignment of wills results in the slave deriving its pleasure from pleasing its Owner. This requires an innately higher degree of submissive desire. Not everybody has what it takes. In fact, few people have what it takes.
FeedbackI wrote some people and asked for their thoughts. dave thought it would be helpful if I wrote about what I felt the difference was in a "boy" and a "slave". Here is a working definition from gl-doms (thanks DJDaddy!) that fits my style:
A slave is a submissive that gives themselves completely to the control of their Master, doing as directed or ordered. I agree that there are definitely fewer that hold this mindset. While a boy, whether involved with a Dad or Master, is still submissive, but makes conscious choices as to how to please their Dad or Master; learning what will please their Top and doing all they can to develop the best situation for both of them. I find far more boys or slaveboys than slaves and since I enjoy the creativity they bring to serving me I am well satisfied with this.
I think that a slaveboy is the best of both, a combination of the truly subservient with a mind that says I can do this to please my Master or Top. I have found what I consider to be this only once in a slaveboy that was truly open to anything I ordered him to do and then would expand on it. If I told him to greet me at the door naked with weights hanging from his ball stretcher and a butt plug in his ass he would greet me with the next step up in weights from the previous time and the same with the buttplug. I gave him an amount of freedom by not defining everything precisely, use this, wear that, and he rewarded my generosity many fold.
I asked dave if he'd give the "boy" vs. "slave" question a pass. he had some good points about internal dynamics:slave mindset: Once i have gained trust in my Master, i am willing to place anything under His control. Over time, i expect and hope that all limits will be negotiated away.(Where I differ from the above, is this: Somewhere in my gut I believe that if a boy had total trust in his Daddy, nothing would be off limits. So my definition of "boy mindset" would be slightly different, along the lines of "i want to trust my Daddy a whole lot, but there are certain things that will always be off limits. There are some limits i will never be willing to negotiate.")
boy mindset: Even if i have total trust in my Daddy, there are certain things that will always be off limits. There are some limits i will never be willing to negotiate.
dave also pointed out the aspect of time building trust and making it easier for a submissive to let go:how about: "a slave is a submissive that wants to give themselves completely to the control of their Master, doing as directed or ordered." That stresses desire and intention, as opposed to reality, which may not have been achieved yet. Trust grows over time.
I included the above in my continuing correspondence with the man from Austin, who had previously only self-identified as "boy" material. These definitions raised some issues. he wrote back:
> "a slave is a submissive that wants to give themselves completely to the
> control of their Master, doing as directed or ordered." That stresses
> desire and intention, as opposed to reality, which may not have been
> achieved yet. Trust grows over time.
Sir, is it the objectification of the individual that separates the slave from the boy, Sir? i am looking for a warm and caring Daddy, more of a familial relationship than property, Sir. i want Daddy to hold and comfort his boy, to cherish him to be desired as a human and not as an object of personal satisfaction for the Master, Sir. Perhaps i am overstating the case by using such broad labels, Sir. i do know that a Master should value and love his property but is not the ultimate end to become property, Sir? i fear the loss of my humanity as a slave, Sir. Also i do not feel a compelling desire to serve, Sir. i do feel a compelling desire to please my Daddy through service, Sir. The feeling that i have when i have served Daddy well, anticipated his wants, brought him his drink, pleased him in even some small way, makes me feel worthwhile and worthy, Sir. i please Daddy to win his affection, because it brings me his praise, his desire, his pleasure, Sir. The pat on the head, that look in his eye, or even the unacknowledged acceptance that boy is on the spot for Daddy, Sir. my feeling, Sir is that these things are much more ego driven than most slaves would admit. Is that the difference between slave and boy, Sir? The level of trust and commitment can be the same. i can see myself giving all responsibility to a Daddy, financial, medical everything, Sir.
Definitions - 1999, as revisedMy answer to the above: For me, it is not objectification which attracts me to seek a slave. For me, it is the implicit amplified trust that differentiates slave from boy: "Once i have gained trust in my Master, i am willing to place anything under His control. Over time, i expect and hope that all limits will be negotiated away." Whew! That's a leather relationship!
Whatever label we apply to it, slave or boy, what I want is someone who:
- is honest and trustworthy
- is my leather submissive
- wants to form a committed relationship with a special bond
- has the capacity to trust me entirely, and
- has the capacity to open his entire life to my control
Definitions - 2001-presentIn the two+ years since I wrote the above, My thoughts refined a bit. First, I realized that the definitions - 1999, as revised unintentionally left out the critical obedience mentioned earlier in the definitions - 1999, first draft. Second, the term "leather submissive" has the potential to be misunderstood by those otherwise unfamiliar with how I view Mastery/slavery: If read in a short bullet form, it could be interpreted as "dungeon slave". While Mastery/slavery can be very erotic for the two parties involved, the journey could be entirely outside the dungeon. Here's the update:
The slave of My dreams is someone who:
- wants to form a committed relationship with a special bond
- strives to be obedient
- is honest and trustworthy
- has the capacity to trust Me entirely, and
- has the capacity to open his entire life to My control
The full explanation of why dave and I ended contract My ad for a slave that prompted this elaboration on "boy" and "slave"
The longer version on dave realizing he needed a diad:
dave lived in San Francisco. Nonetheless, in the nine months he served me we managed to see each other every two weeks -- except for twice when it stretched to three weeks. Primarily that was by routing his business trips through Houston. But he also made leisure trips to serve, and I made some trips out to California.
Tom and I flew out to San Francisco to see dave for Christmas in December 1998. During that trip, dave asked if we would mind if he spent May-June, when his seasonal allergies were bad in San Francisco, in Houston. Tom and I said we'd love to have him with us.
On some previous trips, dave had mentioned that he felt "apart from" when he was upstairs in the slave quarters. Tom and I wanted dave's May and June stay to be as comfortable as possible, so we began The Project to swap the slave bedroom in the garage apartment with a hobby room in the main body of the house. Conceptually it could have been simple. But the hobby room had a ton of music gear wired together and had no closet. The short version is we moved the house's hot water heater into the attic and built out a closet for dave.
Here's how I wrote a friend about what happened next:slave arrived in town late Friday 2/19 for a leathery weekend called "LUEY" - Let Us Entertain You. It's basically a big post-Mardi Gras bar crawl. The drinking part holds little interest for those of us who don't drink, but LUEY does bring out 700+ men and makes for good camaraderie.
I slept with slave on Friday night (his arrival night, a tradition) and Saturday night (after we'd gone out to a leather bar + dancing together) in the new slave bedroom in the main house. Sunday night I slept in the Master bedroom with Tom.
The above sequence of events led to slave having a realization Monday morning: slave's loneliness was not caused by the slave bedroom being up in the garage apartment where it was previously located. The sense of being "apart from" was not due to the slave bedroom's location. slave's loneliness was due to not being at My side. his concurrent realization was that he would continue to feel lonely given the constraints of our triad relationship, where he can not serve Me as both slave and primary partner. he was realizing that he wanted his MASTER to also be his lover.
slave acted with High Honor by promptly bringing his new realizations to My attention.
What can I say? I was shocked to discover that slave wanted Me as his MASTER/lover, a role that I cannot fulfill today or perhaps ever.
But, slave did exactly what I would have wanted him to do: be honest
he also suggested withdrawing himself for two reasons:
- to support My relationship with Tom -- because he wanted to be in Tom's place, and
- because it hurt too much to be around Me now that he realized what he wanted and that he couldn't have it
My desire is for slave/dave to be happy. If dave's happiness requires going away to get some emotional balance back into his life, I support that. Both Tom and I will miss the heck out of him.
My ad for a slave:Here is the ad that led to the "boy" vs. "slave" questions:
Houston-based MASTER seeks slave as valued addition to My family.
MASTER is extroverted, self-centered, exhibitionistic, demanding, trustworthy, honest, communicative, enthusiastic, loving, supportive, nurturing, aggressive, fun, 36 and hot.
Seek slave who understands the intrinsic value of service in and of itself -- of MASTERY/slavery and Dominance/submission.
I have a life-long partnership with a great man named Tom, so slave will be entering a triad. At least initially you will not live with us, so slave must live in the Houston area or be able to travel at own expense.
Required slave qualities: honest, communicative, substance-free, self-supporting, clean.
Desirable slave qualities: male, a working familiarity with the Twelve Step concepts of continual spiritual housecleaning and personal accountability, aged 30-55, height/weight proportional, already Houston-based.
Write Officer Wes -- firstname.lastname@example.org [updated address at officerwes.com]
Include photo, references.
More information at:
© 1999-2008 by Officer Wes