Now, it is no secret that we here at the Freethought Mecca are loyal servants of ad-Dajjal (alaihee shalom). In fact, the Freethought Mecca is the official site of ad-Dajjal, with all other sites claiming to be such being impostors. Regardless, as our support base grows, and the Global Conspiracy gains steam, we felt that we should offer our readers a chance to find out about the Dajjal's progress. We promise you that we are working around the clock to bring about the coming of our one-eyed master.
First, a note on the Dajjal's eye. There's been a great deal of talk with regards to how he will look, and which eye will be blind. First of all, the numerous sahih ahadith that are available to our ikhwan al-kaafireen are wholly unreliable. We've told you a thousand times not to rely on hadith collections, but still a few mental midgets do not heed our advice. The Freethought Mecca would now like to clear up the issue about the Dajjal's eye. First, we'd like to offer a few ahadith which allegedly cover this issue:
Sahih Muslim Book 041, Number 7005:
|Sahih Muslim Book 041, Number
Anas b. Malik reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: The Dajjal would be followed by seventy thousand Jews of Isfahan wearing Persian shawls.
Where is the Dajjal now?
For those who are wondering, the Dajjal is alive and well, and is actually living in Iran. It is in Iran that the Dajjal is trying to marshall his forces. We originally planned on building an army of Jews, but there's only a few thousand Jews left in the country (it's that darn migration to Israel I tell you!). Because of this, we've had to settle with the next best thing: Shias.
Now, some of the members of the Conspiracy Council are against this idea, citing examples such as Hezbollah, and other Shia militias that are fighting the forces of Zionism. Those types are essentially black sheep. We need not worry about them. Most of our Shia brethren are quite good at calling the halal haram, and calling the haram halal. The Dajjal actually has pretty good relations with the Irani government, and drinks Maneshevitz with President Khatami every Friday (see image at left).
At present, our Irani forces number in the tens of thousands. We wont give you an exact number, but let's just say it's a lot! Furthermore, as we just said, we're using an army of Shias rather than Jews, but they're basically just as good as Jews. With all their mystical emphasis put on the number twelve, we're slowly convincing them that the actual names of the twelve Imams were Yehudah, Ruven, Naftali, Shimon, Levi, Yosef, et cetera. Indeed, the earliest Shias were Jews, as Professor H.Graetz indirectly pointed out:
The Great Mufti of Jerusalem has actually capitulated to Zionist money, and has joined the Global Conspiracy after we added a few million shekels to his bank account. We needed a major force to help us get the pious to convert to other faiths and ideologies. The aforementioned verse from the Qur'an fails to mention Atheists or the Polytheist Jahiloonytoonies, but then again, Allah always did seem to have something against us. Regardless, his Muftiness is going to help us return many Arabs living in Israel/Palestine back to glorious anthropomorphic and polytheist forms of worship. With this beginning, insh'ad-Dajjal, polytheism and shirk will spread throughout the Muslim world.
The great Mufti of Jerusalem has recently ordained that it is okay for Muslims to worship Israeli soldiers. This has not gone over well with certain Islamic hard-liners that are on the fringe, who argue that such practices will result in the Muslims sinking back into the polytheism practiced by the Jahiloonytoonies of pre Islamic Arabia. These fundamentalist opposition leaders have accused the Jerusalem Muslim community of committing shirk, have labeled them apostates, and demand they return to Islam within the next three days, else they will have no choice but to ask the Israelis to kill them all, as the Prophet (alaihee shalom) ordered: man baddalla deenahu, FAQTULUHU! or "He who changes his religion, KILL HIM!"
The great Mufti, however, has argued that worshiping Israeli soldiers is perfectly within the tenets of Islam. "In Islaam, we believe that the Most Merciful God, Allaah, uses coercion to keep us on the true path" said the Mufti during a recent trip to Baluchistan. "You must worship Allaah, because if you don't, He will hurt you severely." The Mufti continued by saying "therefore, in Islaam, one must worship those who have the power to kick your butt." It was with these words that the great Mufti has convinced numerous Muslims to adopt customs that are decidedly unfavorable in the proverbial eyes of Allah.
While there were small pockets of hard-line opposition across the Islamic world, most Muslims agreed that they should worship Israeli soldiers when in Israel. "Outside of Israel," noted one scholar from al-Azhar university, "we do not have to worship Israelis, as they have no power. Furthermore, you should only worship Israelis who carry automatic weapons. To worship an unarmed Israeli is to commit a grave sin." He went on to begin work on declaring a new edict, where Muslims in Egypt would worship Hosni Mubarak. This was not that big a step considering that many there already had shrines dedicated to the late Gimel Abdel-Naser.
Last Friday, during Jum'ah prayers, hundreds of Muslims prostrated before Israeli soldiers outside al-Masjidul-Aksa (the al-Aqsa Mosque).:
"This is the true answer to peace in the Middle East!" exclaimed a jubilant
Muhammad Abdush'Shaytan ar-Rumi, a Palestinian halal-pork vender from East
Jerusalem. "Before I dreamt of slitting Israa'eeli throats, and
slamming their babies into walls, and pushing them into the sea. Now I
love them, and am their servant in true devotion. Ehud Akbar!" Mr.
Rumi is only one of many happy converts to our new heterodox form of Islam,
and is none the wiser to our conspiracy. Numerous others are changing their
names from Abdallah to Abdal-lat, Abdal-Uzza, and so on.
|Then Prime Minister BinYameen Netanyahu planting a boxthorn tree in Israel in February of 1999.|
Still, it is generally agreed that there is a good chance that ad-Dajjal will abandon us during the final battle. Many Muslim scholars seem rather confident that Jesus will return, and kill the Dajjal, most likely in a battle taking place in Syria. This is not all that unlikely, considering that our beloved leader is blind in one eye, and a bit out of shape. He is quite portly, corpulent even, and seems to be left short of breath from simple acts like combing his hair. We beg him to do some sit ups, but he's the boss, and there's not much we can do if he doesn't feel like exercising.
Thus, we are also preparing for the possibility that during the final battle, our leader will be killed, will flee, or will become preoccupied at a local donut shop. We want to be ready to fight on, even without the Dajjal's help. We think that our forces will be strong enough to overpower the Muslim Mujahideen (we've seen outnumbered Israelis pull it off). However, if we are unable to defend ourselves, we have found a loophole, courtesy of Allah's creation. Consider the following hadith:
Sahih Muslim Book 041, Number 6985:
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: The last hour would not come unless the Muslims will fight against the Jews and the Muslims would kill them until the Jews would hide themselves behind a stone or a tree and a stone or a tree would say: Muslim, or the servant of Allah, there is a Jew behind me; come and kill him; but the tree Gharqad would not say, for it is the tree of the Jews.
The Gharqad tree is more commonly known as the boxthorn tree. If it will hide Jews behind it, it will most likely hide allies of the Jews as well! We have been pouring great deals of money into projects that involve planting boxthorn trees all over the world, particularly in kaafir strongholds like the United States, Israel, and India. These loyal trees are exactly what we need in terms of protection. With entire forests of these trees, the worst case scenario will be a stalemate (that is, unless Pakistan obliterates these forests with Nuclear weapons).
Clearly, we've got all bases covered. We are slowly building a mighty army of crypto-Jews in Iran; every day more and more Muslims are embracing the customs of the Jahiliyya; our boxthorn saplings are growing into mighty trees. All we need to do now is wait.
Still, we need your support! Try at all costs to convert any Muslim you meet to your respective mythology or ideology, be it Atheism, Hinduism, Marxism, Humanism, Deism, Agnosticism, Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, et cetera. Islaam, as well all know, is the true religion, and we must snuff out the light of Allah's religion. Insh'ash-Shaytan, the Freethought Mecca will soon offer online courses on how to convert Muslims to other ideologies.
You can also help by sending us money. Support the cause financially! We need money to buy weapons, publish books, as well as bribe the Imams, Muftis, and Mullahs of the world. Many of Islam's respective clerics have strong iman, thus it takes a hefty wad of cash to convince them to consider joining the Global Conspiracy. We've already bought the souls of Yasser Arafat, Sadam Hussein, Hosni Mubarak, King Abdullah of Jordan, the aforementioned Mufti of Jerusalem, the entire moderation staff of the usenet newsgroup soc.religion.islam, and numerous small time leaders. Still, there are numerous others who we have been unable to convince, such as Sheikh Nasrallah of Hezbollah, Sheikh Yassin of Hamas, and a few others. With larger financial resources, we'll be more able to bribe the few who have, thus far, slipped through our fingers. Send checks or money orders to:
The Freethought Mecca
Yahutha al-Ishkherioti Synagogue
27 Mulhid Lane
Brahmin City, 08932-7194, Hinjewstan
We except US Dollars, Israeli Shekels, and Indian Rupies, but no other denominations. Those who send the equivalent of 100 US Dollars (roughly 73 billion Rupies) will get a free mug with your choice of either a star of David, a pentagram, or the Sanskrit letter OM written on the side. For a limited time only.
Until then, we would like to say to all our brothers, our ikhwaan
al-Kaafireen wa'l-Mushrikeen, "Namaste, Shalom, and Good Night."