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Once upon a time there were three badgers, Daddy Badger, Mummy Badger and Little Baby Badger. They lived in a lovely little sett out in the woods and were very content with their lot. One morning weasel-village-um, Mummy Badger decided to make some special mong for their breakfast, as it was Whitney Scrotum Day, and a particularly fine Tuesday at that. As they waited for the mong to cool, Daddy Badger suggested they went to check their e-mail. |
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On the very same day, Goldibeard was wandering through the woods, looking for an adventure to take his mind off his increasingly painful essay crisis. Suddenly, he came across an adorable little sett, surrounded on all sides by the most fragrant badger droppings he'd ever smelt. "Ooh," said Goldibeard, "I wonder who could live here?" and he ventured across the threshold and into the Badgers' home. |
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Goldibeard saw the mong on the hall table and remembered that he hadn't had any breakfast. He was very hungry! First, he tried Daddy Badger's mong, but it was too salty. "Ugh!" said Goldibeard, "that's too salty for me! Then, he tried Mummy Badger's mong, but that was too sweet. "Ugh!" said Goldibeard, "that's too sweet for me!" Finally, he tried Little Baby Badger's mong and that was just right. "Mm-mm!" said Goldibeard and he ate it all up. |
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Next, Goldibeard spotted the Badgers' chairs. First, he tried Daddy Badger's chair, but it was too hard. Then, he tried Mummy Badger's chair, but that was too soft. Finally, he plonked himself down into Little Baby Badger's chair, but he was too heavy for it and it broke into little pieces! "Ouch!" said Goldibeard and picked himself up off the floor. |
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Suddenly, Doug the weasel poked his snout around the door. "All right, mate," said Doug the weasel, "I'll fix that in no time. Made in Birmingham, these chairs, thirty-two types of screw fit round the back, got them all in the workshop, won't take a moment to fix, don't make 'em properly these days, they don't, not like when I was a lad..." All of a sudden, Goldibeard was very tired and he went upstairs to find somewhere to lie down. |
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First, Goldibeard went into Daddy Badger's room, but he was frightened by the traces of lady badgers which were scattered over the floor. Then he went into Mummy Badger's room, but he was frightened by the strange and scary wall paintings. Finally, he went into Little Baby Badger's room. That wasn't frightening at all. It was warm and cosy and dark and there were lots of snuggly clothes on the floor for him to cuddle up in. In fact, it was so comfy and Goldibeard was so tired, that he soon fell into a deep sleep. |
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Meanwhile, the clock struck squirrel-um-village and the badgers returned for their mongy breakfast. "Oh no," cried Daddy Badger, "someone's been eating my mong!" "Oh no," cried Mummy Badger, "someone's been eating my mong!" "Oh no," cried Little Baby Badger and burst into tears, "someone's been eating my mong, and they've finished it all up!" |
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Daddy Badger went to sit down in his chair. "Oh no," cried Daddy Badger, "someone's been sitting in my chair!" "Oh no," cried Mummy Badger, "someone's been sitting in my chair!" "Oh no," cried Little Baby Badger and burst into tears, "someone's been sitting in my chair, and they've broken it into little pieces!" |
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Then the badgers went upstairs. "Oh no," cried Daddy Badger, "someone's been in my room and they've been fiddling with -- oh, ah..." "What?" asked Mummy Badger. "Nothing," replied Daddy Badger, "my mistake." "Oh no," cried Mummy Badger, going into her room, "someone's been in my room too!" "Oh no, no, no!" cried Little Baby Badger and burst into tears, "someone's been in my room and he's still here!" |
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At this, Goldibeard woke up and found himself surrounded by three furious badgers. "I'll get the vacuum cleaner," said Mummy Badger and dashed downstairs. "No," exclaimed Little Baby Badger, "let's make him into badger cake!" "Good idea," said Daddy Badger. "Eeeek!" cried Goldibeard, who rather wished he'd stuck with the essay crisis. |
But it was too late. |
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