when i was in the second grade, a boy named lane held me down and kissed me while i cried for the entire bus ride home after school. i hated it, i tried to push him away. everyone else on the bus cheered him on.
on a family vacation when i was about 12, i met this 16 year old boy. one night we went to the beach together, and when he shoved his tongue in my mouth i wanted to throw up. i pulled away but it didn't stop him. he grabbed me and pulled me closer and did it again. i never wanted to see him again, but i pretended that i liked him because i was afraid of being weird or sexually abnormal.
one summer night when i was 16, my friends and i were in a park getting stoned and drinking beer. there was this homeless dirty old man named slim who had been tagging along with us all day. we let him hang around because he could buy us alcohol. i went into the park bathroom with my friend and waited by the sinks in the dark while she peed. slim came into the bathroom and grabbed me around the waist and kissed me. i tried to pull away from him but he was holding me too tightly. he grabbed my breats and tried to stick his hand in my pants, all while my friend was in the stall two feet away. when she flushed the toilet he stopped and went back outside. i never told anyone because i was embarassed.
later that same night i was so drunk that i was barely conscious. i was in the backseat of a car with a boy i'de just met and he was taking off my clothes as i laid there to frunk to protest. i managed to sober up enough to stop him right before he fucked me.
a couple months later i had a boyfriend. i almost always felt really uncomfortable when we were fooling around, but i did it anyway. i never got any pleasure from his tongue in my mouth or his fingers in my cunt, but i didn't want him to think i was prude.
these are just a few of the fucked up sexual experiances i have had, then of course, there was the actual rape. i can definetely say that the bad far outnumber the good experiences. maybe i've just been really unlucky or something, but it seems like my whole life i've been conditioned to get raped and accept it as a normal part of sexuality. i've never talked about these experiances to anyone, and i did accept them all (except for the rape) to a certain extent. i always thought that they weren't that big of a deal, especially in comparison to getting raped. but i realize now that they really are a big deal to me. the fact that lane is the only name i remember from my second grade class, even though he was only there for less than a year, and the fact that i feel physically ill thinking about the time in the park with slim, and because of a lot of other things, i know that these all had a big impact on me. when i got raped i didn't even try to stop him or get away because i knew from past experience that he would do it anyway.
this is about me being taught how to get raped. and this is about me trying to unlearn.